As parents we’ve all been there. You are at the store with your toddler, she does not want to sit in the grocery cart, she is grabbing at everything, and right when you are at the check-out counter, she throws a major tantrum. Everybody is looking at you, and you feel like the world’s worst parent. Finally you give your toddler the treat she is asking for, at last she is quiet and cooperating, and you are relieved.
While giving in to your toddler’s tantrum at that moment might stop the tantrum and give you some relief, unfortunately you are also teaching her that she can get what she wants when she is throwing a tantrum. This will make it more likely that she will try to get her way again by throwing a tantrum in the future. So what is a parent to do?
There are a few simple things you can do to avoid a tantrum in the first place:
- Before going to the store, agree on the reward he will get, and what he has to do to get the reward. For example: “You need to sit in the cart, and keep your hands to yourself, then you will get a …” It is important that the reward is simple and small, yet something he is excited about. Stickers are an example of a simple reward that many children like.
- Give your toddler something specific to do in the store. For example, you can have him hold his own grocery list with pictures of items you need, and have him help you find these items. You can turn this into a fun game you do when you go shopping together.
- Notice all the appropriate behaviors you see your child do and praise them. Be really specific, for example: “Good job sitting in the cart”, or “I really like how you look with your eyes and keep your hands to yourself”, or “Yay! You found the bananas!” Especially when you told your child what you wanted him to do ahead of time, it is important that you praise the behaviors when he is doing them.
- When he earned his reward at the end of the visit to the grocery store, always give the reward you agreed upon. Be really specific in saying that he earned the reward by following the rules. For example: “Yay! You sat in the cart the whole time, and you kept your hands to yourself. Great job! Now you get your sticker!”
These few simple steps will make a trip to the grocery store much less stressful, both for you and your child.
2 Comments / Leave a comment or question
Hi Iektje,
I read your blog with interest. I am particular enthusiastic about your tip to include your child in the shopping trip, like giving him a picture list of items you need and let him help search for them. That sounds like a simple thing to keep him entertained.
As a person who studies Non Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, I am curious about the reward aspect of dealing with tantrums. Marshall says that stimulating people (and thus children) to do something because they fear punishment/want reward is not life serving. He advocates having people (thus children) contribute to our well being out of the joy of their heart. What are your thoughts on this?
Hi Elly,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! Grocery stores can be very overstimulating and overwhelming environments for young children. Sometimes when children become overstimulated they will show this by throwing a tantrum. Having a reward at the end of the grocery store trip, and having clear guidelines for how to obtain the reward is more of an anchor for the child, to give them something to look forward to. This creates a kind of order and predictability in their experience (i.e. first I will do this, than this other thing is going to happen that I like). That way they can experience success, which will make the grocery shop experience more enjoyable for both the parent and the child. Because the grocery store trip is more enjoyable eventually the reward is no longer needed as an anchor. The parent and child enjoy the time they spend together in the store, which is an intrinsic reward in and of itself. I believe that ultimately the joy in our hearts comes from the connections we feel with other people. I hope this answers your question, and I look forward to more dialogue about this!