From such choices, suffering can be experienced in many forms:

1. Guilt feelings for knowing that we’ve done wrong.
2. Worry that we’ll get discovered or caught.
3. Emotional pain caused by the knowledge that we’ve harmed others.
4. Negative feelings caused by the repercussions of our actions if (or when?) we get caught or discovered.

The simple yet powerful solution to this type of suffering? Refrain from doing what we know to be wrong in the first place! For example, we don’t need to worry whether we’ll be busted by the IRS for cheating on our taxes IF…we don’t cheat on our taxes. Whatever benefits or pleasures that we get from making these “wrong” actions are likely to be far outweighed by the negative feelings and repercussions elicited from making such choices.

Although this sounds like a simple maxim to live by, why don’t we let this principle guide our lives more often? When we see a “truth” like the one the Dalai Lama espouses (and he didn’t create this truth, it exists on its own), we need to reflect upon it frequently, perhaps even make it a form of meditation. As we become more mindful of this truth, we are then able to internalize it and let it guide our choices and actions more readily. The effect is that we suffer less and achieve a greater sense of peace and well-being in our lives.

The messages that we receive try to sell the idea that having more wealth (e.g., in the form of a Lexus, a bigger house, diamond earrings, a Coach handbag, designer clothing) is ” better.” However, research has clearly shown that, beyond the poverty level, having more money has a minimal impact on our well-being (reviews of which can be found in  Dr. Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness and Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The How of Happiness). One reason that money cannot buy happiness is related to the idea of hedonic adaptation. That is, we adjust to the new car, house, handbag, iPhone, etc., and our happiness level returns to its baseline level.

We are made to be adaptive, which is a good thing. Novelty does usually give us a rush or at least get our attention (much like we begin to ignore a ticking clock at night but a hissing sound would catch our attention). In this way, buying new things can give some momentary pleasure, but the novelty quickly wears off due to this hedonic adaptation. Think of all those Christmases as a kid in which you were jazzed for weeks before you opened your presents (hard to adapt to that which you do not know) and compare that to how you felt an hour after opening those presents (or a day, a week). That’s the hedonic adaptation kicking in! But overall, this adaptation is extremely beneficial because we’d never be here today if we were not adaptive as a species.

Now, I ran recently ran across this article by Jonah Lehrer, one of my favorite science writers, that adds another twist – how having more money can sometimes result in less happiness. To summarize, having more money allows us to enjoy some of the finer things in life – exotic places, foods, wines, etc. Well, the truth is that our lives, even if we are fairly affluent, mainly consist of more mundane places, activities, and things. We we are stuck in traffic on the way to work, grab a sandwich at Subway, sit at a desk at work, have spaghetti for dinner, read a magazine on our couch at home, and so on. Here’s the ironic part – having money allows us to gain access to the “finer things” in life and even the thought that we could be accessing these finer things (but are not because much of life is more mundane) causes us to devalue these more mundane things. Thus, our neighborhood isn’t as beautiful as Bora Bora, our Subway sandwich isn’t near as tasty as the food at the most exquisite French restaurants in Paris, etc.

Learning to savor what we have…to be fully present with the sights, sounds, textures, and tastes around us provides a deep sense of contentment and joy in our lives. But we can’t do this if we keep thinking about the grass being greener on the other side of the hill. We need to learn to appreciate the grass upon which we are standing.

1)      Catch yourself when you make a negative self-statement about the job search and then ask yourself what is the evidence.

2)      Try to avoid labeling yourself. Just because you make a mistake, does not mean that you are not fully capable of succeeding your job search.

3)      If you notice that you are procrastinating, try to figure out what is slowing you down by examining where you stopped in the process.

4)      Avoid Perfectionistic thinking. Remember no job, no boss and no employee is perfect.

5)      Try to avoid comparing yourself to others.

First, I have to say that I’m pretty bummed that Lost has concluded. I loved the finale. I’m still thinking about it! The main writers of the show, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, along with creator J.J. Abrams, have given us a spectacularly thought-provoking, deeply satisfying, and wonderfully entertaining experience.  I think it will be talked about for years to come, and its success may never be replicated on television.

Now, I have to admit that I did not watch Lost from the first episode in 2004. I had heard that it was good, and many friends implored me to watch it, but I resisted. I’m not sure why…maybe because they were pressing on me so hard about it. In social psychology, that’s known as “psychological reactance” – when we perceive that our freedom is infringed upon, we tend to act in ways to maintain our sense of freedom and control. Thus, when people insist we “must” do something, a part of us kicks in that says “you can’t make me!” As John Locke, a character in Lost would put it, “Don’t tell me what I can’t do!” Anytime a person would try to tell Locke he couldn’t do something, he wanted to prove them wrong. So, it sort of was like this for Lost with me.

Then what happened was a number of clients began recommending that I see it. “I probably will someday,” I would promise. I think I must have said that for a couple of years. I did intend on giving it a try…one day.

Then about two years ago, one of my longtime clients, with whom I shared many book & movie interests, kept giving me a hard time for not at least watching an episode or two. Week after week he would ask me if I had gotten around to seeing an episode. Sheepishly, I kept replying, “Uh, no. Not yet…”

Undaunted by my procrastination, he persisted, “Just try an episode or two…give it a chance. I guarantee you will love it!”

Well, a little over a year ago, I finally started watching Lost with my wife (we have about the same taste in TV & movies, fortunately). We were hooked within the 10 seconds. We eagerly watched 5 years of episodes within several months. Now, Lost has a voracious fan base. While I am a big fan of the show, I wasn’t posting to forums, reading blogs, dissecting every aspect of each episode, etc. So, I’m not sure whether I qualify as a “Lostee” or not. Maybe the fact that I’m now posting about it, I am!

This brings me to the reason that I’m posting about Lost. The show weaves very heavy subject matter within the story – about freedom, choice, faith, fate, philosophy, spirituality, religion…you name it. I’ve never seen or experienced a show that has so boldly, deftly, and successfully tackled such subject matter. The writers are clearly extremely brilliant…and well-read!

But at the heart of the show, I would say that the relationships among the characters are front & center. I’ve posted about how our relationships with others are inextricably linked with our own happiness and well-being. How does watching a TV show enhance our relationships with others, you might ask? As these characters in Lost grow and change over time, you come to really care about them…and what happens to them. There is such mystery in the show…layers upon layers…that, as a viewer, you want to connect with others and talk about these things.

For people who insist that all TV is dumbing down viewers…well, they probably haven’t watched Lost. My mind was doing cartwheels as I tried to do figure out aspects of the show. But I didn’t do this alone…millions of others were experiencing these same feelings.

In a way, the impact that Lost has had on people is not about the show itself. It is about the relationships with others we have in the real world that are strengthened as we connect with them about these mysteries and our favorite Lost characters. We share our ideas, hypotheses, frustrations, joys, and sorrows about the show. Lost has created endless fodder for conversations amongst viewers. Thus, like the relationships that are the heart of the show, we connect with other fans of the show, causing our own relationships to grow in the process. Happiness resides within our relationships  - none of us are truly lost when we are connected with one another.

The authors readily acknowledge the obvious – that social relationships have a great influence on our lives across just about any area we can think of  (e.g., religion, political opinions, our diet and weight, whether we start or stop smoking, who we date and marry, our happiness). The authors go into detail why and how this occurs. Using complex mathematical models (that they thankfully go into) they have even calculated the degree to which we influence one another in particular ways.

You’ve heard of “Six Degrees of Separation”…or the counterpart “Six Degrees of Kevin Beacon”? It is the idea that every person on earth is connected with every other person on earth by six degrees or less…or that every actor can be connected to Kevin Beacon in six degrees or less.

Well, it turns out there is truth to this idea. Perhaps more importantly, Christakis and Fowler are able to demonstrate that our behaviors and emotions do not occur in isolation. They are connected to our social networks. Thus, we influence others and influence others within this social networks to…get this…3 degrees. That is, my happiness does not only affect my friends’ happiness (no surprise there), but it affects my friends’ friends ‘ happiness (wow!), AND my friends’ friends’ friends’ happiness (AMAZING!).

Now, the book is wonderful but a little hard to get through…it is fairly dense with information. So, if you like science and fascinating facts on this type of topic, you will probably love this book. For the layperson, however, it might be a bit of a slow read.

Although I enjoyed the book, something that really struck me, given my therapy practice, is the idea of how much influence we have upon others. Sometimes I meet with clients who are experiencing feelings of depression who have come to believe that they don’t really matter. This very belief then magnifies these feelings of depression. For some, it can be at the very root of the depression itself.

But is it true? Is there evidence that we DO matter? The findings elucidated in this book answer that with a resounding, “YES!” Our thoughts, behavior, and feelings affect many people…even to three degrees…because we are interconnected within  vast social networks. We are not an island.

Now, a person experiencing depression might think, “Great! My depression is making others depressed as well…up to three degrees?! Yikes!” First, we influence others, we don’t control them. Our happiness, smoking habits influence others’ behavior…it does not dictate others’ behavior and moods. Second, the fact remains that if we affect others through such a network, we matter! This directly contradicts the belief that some hold that they don’t matter. We are important, even if we can’t always directly see it. The influence is there.

Now, since we have established we do matter, it is up to us to decide what kind of influence we want to have on others. You can find many other resources within this website and elsewhere that can help you improve your life in positive ways. Know that, when you do this, others benefit as well. You matter…we all do.

We stayed in Waikiki on Ohau for about a week…it was too difficult to make an adventure vacation out of it and travel between islands with a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old in tow. Nevertheless, it was fabulous.

Now, I don’t have an “official” bucket list. You know, the list of things you are supposed to do before you “kick the bucket”? But, IF I did do one, surfing would be at the top of my list. I’ve always heard great things about surfing…how entrancing it can be…and addictive. Growing up in Houston, well, there’s no surf in Houston. I went to Galveston a lot growing up but I can’t ever recall seeing surfers in Galveston. I think you would be hard-pressed to get favorable surf conditions in Galveston. I’m sure there are some opportunities there, but I missed them.

I’ve seen a few surfing documentaries that really stuck with me – Endless Summer, Stepping into Liquid, and Riding Giants. Now, I have NO desire to “ride giants” a la Laird Hamilton, but even clips of surfers riding small waves captivated me. Even more so, to hear how surfers would talk of their experiences had me saying to myself, “Whoa! I want to try THAT!”

I’ve heard that Hawaii is a great place to learn to surf, especially in areas along Waikiki. So, when my family planned this trip, I was excited to finally have a chance to give it a go.

For $30, I got a one hour surf lesson and a chance to live my dream. There were easy waves on that day…probably 4-5 feet tall that broke cleanly. My instructor was a Hawaiian native and I have absolutely no chance of spelling his name correctly, but it was pronounced “Kay-a-LEE-ee.” He was a nice guy and kept telling me to relax and slow down because I was acting like a dog in a butcher shop. I couldn’t help myself – this is finally IT!

As the first good wave approached, KayaLEEee calmly said, “Okay, there’s a good one coming. I’m going to give a push and when I say paddle, paddle. When I say get up, get up.”

Easy enough and he did just that. I paddled into a nice wave and felt myself rise up with it.  When I heard him tell me, I quickly but carefully pushed myself up. Although I wobbled a bit, the beginner board supported me well and I had my first ride, and one that I’ll never forget. I felt a wonderful connection to the wave and the greater ocean. All my cares were a million miles away.

To me, surfing lived up to the hype. I totally loved it. I rode several more waves that day, giddy with excitement all the while. I was able to go surfing two other days and I did these solo. It was tiring but oh so fun! The last wave I caught was probably around 6′ tall, and I timed it just right (a very challenging thing to do!) and fought hard to keep standing. I almost “ate it.” But I regained my balance and rode it as far as it would take me and then slid off my board into the ocean with an ear-to-ear grin on my face.

Even before I went surfing, I always noticed that it seems to have an almost meditative or Zen-like effect on the people who do it.  You have the beauty of nature, the hypnotic sound of the rolling waves, and a chance to become part of a wave and the ocean that you and it are within, if only for a short while.

I’ve blogged quite a bit about mindfulness – the idea of living in the present moment non-judgmentally. There is a lot of research that indicates that living mindfully engenders a sense of well-being. On a related note, there is the concept of getting into a state of “flow” (or “in the zone”) that also creates a sense of deep-rooted happiness. This occurs when we are completed engaged in an activity because the challenge of the activity requires our complete attention. During these states of flow, we lose track of time and ourselves in these activities.

Although many activities pull us into the present moment and get help us get into a state of flow (e.g., playing a musical instrument, sports, or a video game, acting, rock climbing, sparring in martial arts), there is something inherent, and perhaps rather unique, to surfing that I think elicits this state. To catch and ride a wave, you have to be completely focused and “living in the moment.” If you don’t give it your complete attention, you will lose your balance or even miss the wave entirely. Then you are also on the ocean, watching carefully for the “right” wave, listening to the sounds of the rolling and crashing waves, and so on. Finally, you can’t think about the wave that you missed because that would keep you from catching that next wave – and it is coming right at you! If you mess up, you always have another chance. But you have to “let go” of the missed wave and turn your attention to what lies just  ahead.

If you’ve never surfed before but it sounds interesting to you (and you are a strong swimmer), I highly recommend it. Make sure you take a lesson and only try it when conditions are favorable. The surf can be brutal. I definitely plan to go surfing again as soon as I have the opportunity. Come to think of it, I’ll MAKE the opportunity happen.

All 3 books follow the same general format. Cutler interviews the Dalai Lama about topics related to happiness, human suffering, world problems, and so on and relates the Dalai Lama’s answers to his own life, his experiences in providing psychotherapy as a psychiatrist, and research findings from the realms of psychology, other social sciences, and neuroscience. So, you get a kind of “East meets West” discussion about happiness with some of Cutler’s personal reflections and experiences thrown in the mix.

The original The Art of Happiness has a primary focus on personal happiness and suffering whereas, as the name implies, The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World takes on more global topics such as terrorism, racism, intolerance, prejudice, hatred, greed, etc.

Through their discussions on the topic, it becomes quite clear how personal happiness and well-being are tied to more global issues such as intolerance, racism, and so on. Thus, by working on the development of our own compassion and inner peace, we increase our own happiness and the happiness of people around us simultaneously. The aggregate effect of millions (billions?) of people doing this would necessarily be a drastic reduction in many of societal ills (e.g., terrorism, genocide, racism).

Cutler asks many questions that we would all probably like to ask the Dalai Lama on these topics if given the chance. He presses the Dalai Lama when he doesn’t think the answers given are clear enough. Interestingly, the Dalai Lama often gives similar responses to many of the questions – pointing to the importance of looking at situations of many perspectives and trying to view them “realistically.” Cutler even chides His Holiness on this very point.

Looked at another way, the fact that the Dalai Lama often points to similar ways of addressing different problems points to the utility in what he is saying. Moreover, Cutler was able to use recent empirical data (the book was published in 2009) from social and positive psychology, neuroscience, and other fields to support the Dalai Lama’s viewpoints.

Cutler is able to get some specific techniques from the Dalai Lama that we can all use to broaden our perspectives and increase our compassion toward others. One thing I can say with certainty – there is some very useful…even life-changing…information in this book. If you choose to use it by practicing it regularly, it can improve your happiness and even that of others around you. However, it is all to easy to nod your head in agreement as you read this book and that go back to living the same old ways. So, I encourage you to try to take a few of your favorite nuggets from this book and put them into practice.

By the way, I listened to the audiobook (unabridged). The reader was very engaging and a good fit for the book.

The researchers found that people who were classified into the category of Internet “addiction” had a significantly higher incidence of experiencing moderate to severe depression. What wasn’t clear from this research is whether depressed people are more likely to become addicted to the Internet. Thus, excessive Internet use might not necessary “cause” depression, but rather be a symptom of it.

In my opinion, it is probably a bit of both. That is, people who are depressed might be more likely to spend exorbitant amounts of time on the Internet and, as they do so, they are likely to become more depressed. This fits very well with some other research that I read recently which indicated that people who use social networking sites such as Facebook to enhance existing relationships…people whom they associate with in real life…experience positive effects on their well-being. However, people who use social networking sites and the Internet as a substitute for real-world relationships are likely to become more depressed from the use of such technologies. This research found that older people in particular tend to use social networking sites as a replacement for real-world relationships whereas teens and young adults tend to use social networking sites to enhance their real-world relationships.

What can we do with this information in practical terms? Here’s something that you can hang your hat on: to be happy, we need real-world relationships. Research indicates that about 70% of our happiness comes from our relationships. This makes perfect sense. We are social creatures by nature and evolved to be in relationships with others. After all, for an infant to grow, he/she must be nursed and cared for by his mother. From birth, we need to be connected physically and emotionally in order to grow into healthy adults.

As wonderful as technology is, when it begins to replace real-world relationships, we will pay the consequences for it. We are fighting against hundreds of thousands of years of evolution when we start to disconnect from the physical presence of others. Yes, we might be socially networked through Facebook, texting, online gaming, etc., but this can’t serve as a substitute for real-world relationships.

So, keep an eye on your technology use and your real-world social networks. Are you meeting with friends several times per week? Are you involved in some clubs, hobbies, or sports that help you to connect with others? Are you finding that you are spending more and more time on your laptop or iPhone…playing FarmVille, texting, and so on? Be mindful that you will not be happy if you disconnect from people in the real-world to connect with others online. It is not that you have to give up technology or anything…this is not a forced choice. You just want to strike a careful balance. By keeping your finger on the pulse of your technology use and real-world social interactions, you can get the best of both worlds. Now, here I am alone in front of my computer blogging on a Saturday…DOH! I’m going to go spend some time with some friends and family now…  :-)

There certainly are a lot of options, and bold claims to go with them, for software and games designed to improve our noggins. Games for the Nintendo Wii and Nintendo DS such as “Big Brain Academy” and “Brain Age” have been extremely popular, selling millions of copies. There are games like these for the PC and iPhone as well.

So, down to the critical question: Do they work?

Now, I haven’t reviewed ALL of the data, of course, but here are some fairly safe conclusions (at this time):

1. There is a growing body of research that indicates that our brain does work somewhat like a muscle. Working your brain out, through challenges, and learning new things, grows more and stronger synaptic connections. In some cases, it appears that it even helps us to form new neurons entirely. These findings suggest that working out our brains slows down age-related cognitive declines. So, it is good to keep our brains learning new things.
2. Although that it is likely that some of these software programs help to improve cognitive functioning, the claims made are outstripping the empirical evidence to back those claims. In other words, the cart is a bit before the horse. These companies have products to sell and, to some extent, are capitalizing on our fears of cognitive decline and/or the promises of enhanced cognitive functioning – being better than the Jones’.
3. There is a major problem of generalizability of the results. That is, sure we get better at these cognitive games and exercises, but does this translate into better performance in areas in our every day world? This is a critical question which is much harder to prove.
4. Are these software games and tech gadgets differentially more effective than pursuing other intellectual challenges such as sudoku, crossword puzzles, learning to play guitar, learning a foreign language, etc.? This is another critical question because it could be that these cognitive training programs work…but no better than other cognitive challenges out there (that would be my guess).
5. A compelling argument for brain training games and software: If they are fun and engaging such that they consistently help us challenge ourselves (and our brains), then that’s wonderful. It is like joining a really nice gym. If joining that wonderful new gym with all of its fitness classes and shiny equipment gets you into the gym more than you would have otherwise, then it is a good thing.

So, there you have it. Try out some of these brain training games. Many of them are very fun and they will give your brain a great workout. While they won’t turn us into Einsteins, they probably help some and won’t hurt – unless the “hurt” is our disappointment when we discover that they don’t turn us into Einsteins.