As a starting point, my formal and informal mindfulness practice helps me to be more present with my clients and is a useful skill that reminds me to return to the present moment in my work.  As humans, staying in the present moment is a difficult task.  We are constantly pulled to the past or the future and can rarely stay with what is going on in the here and now…clearly, we lose a lot this way.  I know that when I am off in my thoughts, I have a difficult time connecting with whoever and whatever is going on in the present moment.  My mindfulness practice has been the reminder that allows me to pause, breathe, return to and engage the present moment.  As a therapist, I have found this skill invaluable in helping me connect with my clients moment by moment.

I am also greatly informed by the theories behind mindfulness psychology as well as the current research surrounding mindfulness and psychotherapy.  In addition, because of my work co-leading Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy groups, I have found that teaching mindfulness skills to clients can be very helpful in my clinical work.  Clearly, as a therapist, I find the concept of mindfulness to inform how I do my work both personally and professionally.

It’s important to note that although I have found mindfulness to be helpful in my life, I do not think that mindfulness is the only way to cultivate presence in your life.  I have found that the concept of mindfulness is helpful to me and to my clients, but I know plenty of very focused and present people, who I deeply respect, who have never heard of mindfulness.  In addition, I don’t use or teach mindfulness skills in my practice unless my client is interested and thinks that it might be useful.  Should a client try mindfulness skills and not relate to it…no big deal…there will probably be other ways we will find that will be helpful.

I began my blog entries with mindfulness because mindfulness can be a confusing topic, especially in its relationship to psychology.  My next blog will introduce the topic of self-compassion.  I hope that my first blog entries have been helpful in introducing the idea of mindfulness and how it is used in psychotherapy.

This insight, which can be life-changing, is contained in various forms within many philosophical writings and sacred texts. For example, the Buddha said, “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” Marcus Aurelius, a Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher, wrote, “Our life is what our thoughts make it.”

The powerful truth to which Shakespeare and others point is, in a way, the very basis of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Much of our happiness and suffering are tethered to our perspectives and judgments of situations, ourselves, others, and the future – the thoughts that run through our mind. The way we think about things creates our emotional experiences. A vicious cycle is created in that our emotions taint our perspectives. When we are depressed, we look at things through dark-colored glasses. When we are in a positive mood, we tend to look at the world through rose-colored glasses.

This isn’t to say that there is no such thing as suffering. There certainly is. But a great amount of suffering can be reduced or avoided if we learn to alter our thinking and judgments. If “our thinking makes it so” is true, then by changing our thinking, we create different experiences – ones that can be more pleasurable, or at least less distressing.

In my next post, I’ll discuss more on how this can be done.

This technique works particularly well when something “bad” has happened and you begin to think negative thoughts and feelings about that situation. Oftentimes, we “make mountains out of mole hills” and minor to moderate stressors are not really worth the attention that we give them. One way to gain perspective is to ask yourself, “Will this matter in one year from now?”

So much of our suffering in life, as discussed before, is self-created. Sure, there are things worth suffering over – death, major illness, your house burns down, and so on. But much of life’s suffering comes from viewing rather innocuous events as REALLY bad. Such situations might include:

• You get a flat tire
• You have to take your car into the shop
• You get a speeding ticket
• Your friend forgets to meet you for lunch
• You lose your cell phone
• You are stuck in traffic
• Your forget your sunglasses on your trip to the beach

Now apply this technique to the situations like the ones above: “Will this matter in one year?” You can see that these situations will be off your radar by then…probably even within a couple of days.

Notice when a negative emotion arises – that is usually a red flag that you are having some negative thoughts about the situation. Now, ask yourself the question and see if it reduces your distress. You can’t always control situations – setbacks are a part of life. But try changing your perspective using this technique. We often have more control over our view of situations than the situation itself. This technique can work very well on reducing unnecessary suffering. Save your distress in life for the situations that truly warrant it, and you will be much happier overall.

I’m not going to give the overview of his theoretical approach right now, but one of the tenants that is subsumed within his theory is that it is easier to act our way into a different way of thinking than to think our way into a different way of acting.

What does Dr. Glasser mean by this? Simply put, it is generally more difficult to control our thoughts than to control our actions. Let’s say you applied for a hot job, interviewed for it, and didn’t get it. Now, this might start a cascade of negative thoughts such as:

• I’m no good.
• Why does this always happen to me?
• I’ll never get a job.

Such thinking is likely to put you into quite a funk. Now, it is possible that you could think your way out of this by countering the negative self-talk with thoughts such as:

• Just because I didn’t get the job doesn’t mean I’m not any good. I have many positive qualities, such as__________
• This kind of thing happens to everyone. I’m not being singled out. It’s part of life. These are tough economic times for millions of people, not just me.
• I’ll get a job eventually. I just need to keep searching actively.

However, countering our negative thoughts with positive ones is very difficult to do. Our minds don’t work like a computer. We cannot just push a button and change our thoughts. Instead, our minds tend to gravitate toward negative content when we are feeling down. We stew, we ruminate, we obsess. If we just sit at home by ourselves, it’s likely that our depressive feelings will worsen as our thoughts keep cycling through negative content.

On the other hand, it is easier to recognize when we are feeling down and engage in a behavior that is incompatible with the negative thinking…that will break the cycle of negative thoughts. In the above example in which you get passed over for (what looks like) a great job, you could recognize that you are feeling down and call a friend to join you for a run or for dinner. Doing something social tends to help because most of our happiness in life comes from connecting well with others.

Even if you are unable to track down a friend , you could still engage in other activities such as walking your dog, making a nice dinner, playing a computer game, knitting, painting, blogging, playing a musical instrument, and so on.

Now, reflect on your own past experiences. Does this make sense? Try recognizing when you are feeling down and take some form of action that will break up the negative thinking. As you focus your attention on this activity, it will pull your mind and mood into new directions.

As you might guess, this is a really BIG topic. There’s no way to quickly and easily resolve this problem, but I do want to say a few, hopefully helpful, things about this.

One, I believe that, for most people in Western countries, most of our distress is from our minds wandering off and gravitating toward distressing content. I do believe that there is real suffering that we all experience. Such things include loss of loved ones, divorce, moving, your home burns down, significant and/or chronic injuries, and so on.

Although I’m not a Buddhist, I do like a lot of Buddhist philosophy and think that there is inherent truth to the first pillar of Buddhism that “life is suffering.” Not that all of life is suffering, just that we will not be able to live life without encountering some suffering along the way – it is unavoidable and part of the human condition.

Interestingly, there is research to support the idea that, for most people living in Western countries, people who are often depressed and/or anxious are not typically experiencing significantly more negative life events than happier people. It is more often the case that such individuals are perceiving events in such a way that elicits negative feelings and/or ruminating about these topics in a negative way. Thus, it is often the case that we experience significant amounts of psychological suffering needlessly. We worry, fret, and bemoan things that haven’t happen, won’t happen, could never happen, happened long ago, and, most importantly, are not happening right now. They are merely thoughts in our heads at this point.

I’m going to give two examples of this – one is kind of funny, the other more serious. The first happened the other day with my eldest son. He’s almost 6 and was playing Pokemon on his Nintendo DS. While he was brushing his teeth, he set the game down. I thought the volume was a little loud, so I reached over to turn it down. Unfortunately, I accidentally turned his DS off.

Well, my son freaked out thinking he had lost about 15 minutes of progress since his last save. He had a minor meltdown. Once he finally recovered from the shock, he turned it back on and discovered that his progress had been saved. In essence, he suffered absolutely needlessly (and me too!). He didn’t check to see if the “bad event” had actually happened before he started suffering for it. There was an important lesson that he learned here – if you are going to freak out about losing progress in a game, first check to see if the progress was actually lost before freaking out!

Here’s a more serious example to which many of us can relate. We have a bump on our skin that we get checked out by the doctor. Maybe it’s a mole or something and we are worried about skin cancer. The doctor takes a look and agrees that it’s best to remove it and have it biopsied.

Perhaps even before we went to the doctor…when we first noticed the bump…our mind jumped right to it – CANCER! Now, of course, cancer is a very scary disease and we’ve all probably had frightening brushes with the illness. I lost my mother to the disease, so I know it is terrible.

But that’s not what we’re talking about here. Our thoughts hit the “Oh my God – I probably have cancer” button WAY too early. Before we go to the doctor, before the doctor has even examined us, before we get the biopsy results back WE ARE SUFFERING NEEDLESSLY. In fact, we are suffering about as much distress for thinking we have the disease than we would even if we had received the diagnosis. That’s because our bodies react to the “what if” scenarios in our brains as “what is.” We go into full fight/flight mode. Adrenal is released as is cortisol, the stress hormone which, ironically, suppressing our immune system.

Now, I could go on and on with examples from my life, from working with clients, and so on but I think you see where I am coming from on this. For most of us, we suffer because our minds create these fictions in our heads that lead to a cascade of negative emotions.

Do you suffer needlessly sometimes? I know I do as well, but I’m getting better and better at minimizing this type of suffering. Perhaps before we move on to some ways of dealing with this type of suffering, first reflect on how this type of suffering affects you on a daily basis. Perhaps you can even think of some specific examples. Now, let’s use this realization to fuel your motivation to minimize its effects.

Again, I can’t cover every aspect of this, but I’ll give some ways of coping with it in my next post.

So, yes daydreaming can be beneficial. However, if we daydream too much…we keep visiting La-La Land…it might interfere with work and other activities that we should be doing. If a student daydreams all during class, then he might miss out on important lessons. If we daydream too much when we are around our friends, it can harm our relationships. “Uh, Cindy, what was that you were saying? Something about leaving your husband? I, uh, didn’t really catch it. I was daydreaming…sorry about that!”

Also, daydreaming can be like someone randomly pushing channels on the remote control. By definition, when we are daydreaming, we are not consciously controlling our thoughts. Thus, our thoughts might drift too negative or unsettling thoughts – especially if we are already prone toward feelings of anxiety and depression. As if drawn by a magnet, some people’s minds immediately gravitate toward very distressing thoughts the minute they drift from the task at hand:

• What if I lose my job?
• Is my husband cheating on me?
• I know he’s not going to call me back…I never have luck in love.
• I’m totally going to blow this presentation – everyone will think I’m an idiot!
• I should have tried harder to get good grades in college. I’ve ruined my chances of ever making something of myself…my mom was right.

Far from daydreams, these are like daymares. They are rarely productive or beneficial and are responsible for much of the suffering that we experience in life. So, what do we do about this problem – when to daydream and when not to? Stay tuned! I’ll cover this in my next post.

To me, both of these sayings point to the truth that much of our suffering is unnecessary – we bring it upon ourselves through our thinking. We imagine negative outcomes which, in and of itself, brings about suffering.

Granted, “bad” things happen. There are many types of losses (e.g., job loss, divorce, death of a loved one) that, quite naturally, pull for our negative emotions. It is normal to experience negative emotions under such circumstances. There’s no way to make it through this life without some of these things happening to us.

Our imagination is boundless though, and we create many fictional stories in our heads about bad things that could happen but never do. In essence, we suffer needlessly for many things that never even happen. When we think “what if ______ happens” in our heads, we react to these as “what is” facts. Merely dwelling on “what if” scenarios causes a cascade of neurochemical reactions, such as the release of adrenaline and cortisol – the “stress hormone.” These chemicals prepare us for fight or flight but, guess what? There’s often no action that we can take because it is all just a fiction happening in our minds…a story we are telling ourselves.

If you look at your own life, you can probably see much evidence to support the truth of the aphorisms mentioned at the beginning of this blog. How many times have you anticipated a negative event only to find that your worst fear didn’t happen and things turned out just fine?

Take our current job market, which is stressful for millions of people. Yes, you should watch your spending, stay on top of your budget, have your finger on the pulse of your particular job situation, and work competently at your job. Still, imagining economic disaster only causes unnecessary stress and suffering…especially about some variables over which you have no control.

For example, I have a friend who lost his job right before Christmas of this year. He decided he wasn’t going to stress over it. Although he could have been in financial trouble if he didn’t find a job after a period of months, that hadn’t happened yet – so why suffer for something that hasn’t happened?

Instead, he waited until after the new year started, he used his network, and sent his resume out to scores of people. Within in a week, he had a new job that paid more, was a much easier commute, he liked his responsibilities much more, and loved his new boss. Thus, had he ruminated on potential negative outcomes from his job loss, his suffering would have been completely unnecessary. It didn’t turn out bad for him it all. Far from it – his job loss was a blessing in disguise.

If you find yourself feeling a strong negative emotion, ask yourself whether these feelings are really necessary. If you are predicting a negative outcome, see if there’s something you can do about it. If not, try not to think about…because the thinking doesn’t make that negative event not happen…it makes you suffer for an event that has not even happened!

If the negative event happens, cross that bridge when you come to it. Chances are, IF the “bad” thing happens, the suffering that comes from it won’t be as bad as the suffering that comes from anticipating the bad event. This is one of the great ironies in life – we suffer much more in this life from predicting bad things that never happen than we suffer from negative events that actually do happen to us.

Don’t just accept what I say as true – reflect upon your own experiences and you will see why people have created aphorisms like, “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it” and “Our worst misfortunes never happen, and most miseries lie in anticipation.”

Several studies by researchers at Princeton and Harvard indicate that rapid, varied thinking results in an improved mood in people. This type of thinking occurs when we are brainstorming under time constraints (e.g., think of how many different ways you can use a brick in 1 minute).

Researchers are not sure exactly why this is yet. It could be that we believe, unconsciously, that rapid thinking means we are happy. Thus, we when force ourselves to think quickly, we automatically associate this with happiness. Also, rapid thinking might tap into the brain’s dopamine reward system and give us a boost that way.

Researchers caution that people who are prone to bipolar disorder might not benefit from inducing rapid thinking. However, many people might reap benefits if they periodically try some rapid-fire, varied thinking to provide a mood boost. Although the results may be short-lived, they can add up over time. So, you might consider adding this to your toolkit when you are looking for mood boost.

What if I fail?
What if they don’t like me?
What if my car breaks down on the way to that meeting?
What if I forget what I’m supposed to say?
What if I look like an idiot?
What if they’re talking bad about me?
What if I go bankrupt?

Our brains and bodies often respond to “what if” questions as “what is” questions. These “what if” questions can start a cascade of physiological reactions that prepare for “fight or flight.” Thus, these potential (often improbable) psychological dangers are reacted to as if they are real physical dangers that are occurring right now. Adrenaline and cortisol are released. Our immune systems are suppressed. We are primed for action…ready to fight a sabre-toothed tiger…when we have only imagined a psychological threat to our well-being by posing our “what if” questions!

If you play “what if” games a lot with yourself, you need to ask this question: Do I usually win? Most people do not. Asking “what if” questions typically just causes a lot of anxiety and keeps us living “in our heads” instead of enjoying the moment.

If you are going to ask “what if” questions, try asking in a different way. Instead of asking how a future event could turn out very negatively, instead ask how a current or past situation could have turned out more negatively but didn’t. In essence, you are trying to find a “silver lining” in a negative situation or be grateful that situation didn’t turn out worse than it did.

For example,
- I know I got into a fender bender. What if I had hurt someone? At least that didn’t happen!
- I got a C+ on that exam. What if I had failed it? Then it would have been really hard to get at least a B in the class. At least I still have a shot at that!
- I know that this job with the state isn’t the most exciting one in the world. What if I were totally unemployed? That would be really stressful!

So, if you are going to pose “what if” questions, try posing them in such a way that doesn’t cause you anxiety. Things can be worse than they are right now. It is important to remember that we can be grateful for what have because we can almost always have less.

Consider a man telling his wife, “You look pretty in that dress.” Throw in a tiny little “don’t” and we have, “You don’t look pretty in that dress.” The first example would typically get a warm response (excluding negative reactions based on interpretations such as, “What, are you saying I don’t look pretty otherwise?”). If said like example #2, the man is sleeping alone on the couch (I promise, this is not autobiographical).

Have you ever had one of those experiences in which you mishear or misinterpret what someone says, have a very negative reaction, only to later find out the truth of your error? Those can be either painful, embarrassing, or funny…or all of them at once.

Now, if we can agree that our words can have a powerful influence on others, consider our self-talk. The little chatterbox inside our heads often bombards us with negative statements such as,
- You are an idiot.
- No one likes you.
- What if you bomb this presentation?
- You are not good enough for him/her.

Interestingly, we often tell ourselves negative things that we would rarely, if ever, tell someone else. Think of what kind of negative impact this could be having on our mood and self-confidence! This kind of negative self-talk can occur daily over a period of years. The results can be catastrophic.

So, it is critical to become aware of the content of our thinking. Often these thoughts are just below the conscious level. As we become aware of these thoughts, we can change the content such that we don’t beat ourselves down. I’ll talk more about this in my next blog.