Ah, I knew there was a reason I kept all of my old issues of Scientific American Mind magazine! While browsing through them recently, I stumbled upon a Nov/Dec 2010 article with the tantalizing title of “What Makes a Good Parent?” by psychologist and researcher Dr. Robert Epstein. How’d I miss this before?! This was like finding the Holy Grail! Epstein and his team developed an online survey of parenting skills (accessible at https://MyParentingSkills.com) with survey items based on published studies of what skills are associated with positive parenting outcomes as well as input by 11 renowned parenting experts. Epstein gathered survey data from over 2000 parents and then analyzed the results and was able to determine which parenting skills produced good outcomes.

Now, this begs the question of what are we defining as the “good” outcomes that we are trying to achieve as parents. While not getting too specific with the definitions in this article, Epstein researched which parenting practices produced the strongest outcomes in the form of “better relationships between parent and child and happier, healthier, better functioning children.”

Here’s the Top 10 List of competencies/skills that Dr. Epstein and his team of researchers identified that produce “good” parenting outcomes (this list is quoted directly from Epstein’s article in the Nov/Dec 2010 issue of Scientific American Mind):

1. Love and Affection – You support and accept the child, are physically affectionate, and spend quality one-on-one time together.

2. Stress Management – You take steps to reduce stress for yourself and your child, practice relaxation techniques and promote positive interpretations of events.

3. Relationship Skills – You maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, significant other or co-parent and model effective relationship skills with other people.

4. Autonomy and Independence. You treat your child with respect and encourage him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant. 

5. Education and Learning - You promote and model learning and provide educational opportunities for your child.

6. Life Skills – You provide for your child, have a steady income and plan for the future.

7. Behavior Management -You make extensive use of positive reinforcement and punish only when other methods of managing behavior have failed.

8. Health – You model a healthy lifestyle and good habits, such as regular exercise and proper nutrition, for your child.

9. Religion - You support spiritual or religious development and participate in spiritual or religious activities.

10. Safety – You take precautions to protect your child and maintain awareness of the child’s activities and friends.

What is fascinating about Epstein’s findings (which surprised him and his team as well) is that 2 of top 3 competencies/skills (stress management and relationship skills) don’t directly affect the child, only indirectly. However, even though the influence is indirect, the effects are very powerful. Too many parents spend inordinate amounts of time focused on education and learning, earning more income, or developing and implementing elaborate behavior management plans with the idea that these are the best ways to help their kids to become happy and successful in life. 

A clear message from Epstein’s research and this article is that, first and foremost, we must be present to give our kids love, affection, and undivided attention. But it is also critical that we take care of our own needs – to have our own lives in balance so that our stress levels are managed effectively. On a related note, we must also nurture the relationship with our significant other. This is wonderful modeling for kids.  Also, as a couple, if the relationship is strong, there is greater happiness and less stress within the family system. Kids pick up the stress, and the happiness, of their parents. 

Hopefully Dr. Epstein’s findings are as illuminating to you as they have been for me!

First, before I jump into this topic, I want to apologize for the long delay since my last blog. I recently had a third child, so it’s difficult to keep up! My aim is to post weekly, so I promise to get back on track.

I listened the audiobook version of Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother a few months ago. Ms. Chua narrated the book, and she was able to make these very personal stories come to life. I have waited a couple of months to write this book review because the book stirred so many reactions within me that I hardly knew where to start.

If you missed the media storm that followed the release of this book, it is a memoir of how Ms. Chua, a Chinese-American, raised her two daughters as a “tiger mother.” Basically, she was cracking the whip from day one on both of her daughters to excel in certain facets of life. I deliberately say “certain facets” because, while Ms. Chua emphasizes that her girls be top-notch in academics and at their respective musical instruments (eldest daughter,Sophia, the piano; youngest daughter, Lulu, the violin), she did not seem as concerned that they are advanced in their peer relationships, computer, gaming, athletic, dancing, or composing their own original musical works.

Ms. Chua is quite accomplished in her own right. She received her undergraduate degree at Harvard and went to Harvard law school. She is a Yale law school professor and authored two well-received books on international affairs prior to writing Battle Hymn. Her husband, Jed, also a Yale law school professor and author, receives relatively little attention in this memoir. Inferring from her description within the book, he is the more calm, stable, supportive, and easygoing parent. Yet I was curious as to why he allowed Ms. Chua to push her own agenda with her daughters, which ended up causing great turmoil with Lulu, and didn’t strongly intervene.

One of Ms. Chua’s primary goals as a parent, as she explains, is to raise both of her daughters in a strict, highly-involved manner to ensure that they both were top-performers academically and musically. According to the Chinese “tiger parenting” approach, children are very resilient, parents always know what is best for their children, and children should obey their parents at all times. Thus, tiger parents believe that children can endure the rigors of a strict, sometimes harsh, upbringing and ultimately thrive because of it. She describes how Western parents often coddle their children and parent from a position based on the presumed weakness or delicacy of children. Ms. Chua does make clear that not all Chinese or Asian parents are “tiger parents” and not all Western parents are…pussycats? Wimps? There are tiger parents in all cultures.

So, first off I have to hand it to Ms. Chua for:

1. Being honest and having the courage (or business acumen?) to write this book.
2. Writing an extremely thought-provoking and engaging memoir of how she raised her children
3. Creating such a controversy around her parenting style that it created a best-seller and got her on the talk-show circuit.
4. Showing significant love and devotion to both of her daughters. While I disagree with the manner that she shows it sometimes, I have no doubt that Ms. Chua loves her daughters dearly and would do anything for them.
5. Having way more hours in her day than I do! My God, the woman teaches at Yale law school, wrote two other books prior to Battle Hymn, personally supervised much of her daughters musical training, and drove them to countless music lessons, competitions, and performances. The woman must not need sleep!

Although Ms. Chua clearly states that she is not intending to write a “how to” parenting guide, she chronicles many of her “tiger parent” philosophies and values. It is apparent that she believes in the effectiveness of tiger parenting, otherwise she wouldn’t have used this approach as a parent.

As a tiger mother, Ms. Chua would not allow her daughters to:

• Watch TV
• Play video games
• Have play dates
• Have sleep overs
• Earn less than an “A” in their school work

Also, each daughter had to become a virtuoso at a musical instrument. Her eldest daughter was required to play piano, and her youngest daughter started on the piano but was moved to the violin after a couple of years. Each daughter was obligated to practice several hours daily, even when the family went on vacations to various places around the world. Ms. Chua scoffed at how Western parents would only have their children practice a music instrument 15-30 minutes per day and still consider that practice. She required her children to put their noses to the grindstone for hours per day no matter what.

Although Ms. Chua’s eldest daughter, Sophia, responded fairly well to to her tiger parenting,Lulu was very oppositional from the start. Ms. Chua described how the struggles to get Lulu to practice violin escalated from frequent arguments into recurrent, intense verbal fights as Lulu entered adolescence.  Lulu even showed some signs of depression (or at least intense feelings of anger and sadness) – probably due to the cumulative effects of these battles.

Ms. Chua is the product of tiger parenting, and she has, at least by some measures, been extremely successful. What’s interesting is that her husband, Jed, has been just as successful (although not the success and fame from writing a memoir like Battle Hymn). In fact, he was hired as a Yale law school professor before Ms. Chua. He was not the product of tiger parenting. Although not a viruoso at a musical instrument, he seemed to really enjoy his childhood – leisurely summer vacations, playing with friends, etc. So, what does this mean that he achieved his success without tiger parenting? Hmm…

It’s difficult to tell whether Ms. Chua was exaggerating at times just for the effect, but some of her statements caused me to cringe because they are just wrong (from a factual and not just a value sense). Here’s an example: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you are good at it. To get good at anything, you have to work, and children on their own never want to work.”

For real? First of all, one doesn’t have to be “good” at something to have fun. That’s completely wrong. Reflect upon this yourself. Did you ever try a new sport, video game, musical instrument, dance, etc. and have fun without ever really being too good at it? Of course you have and so have I! One doesn’t have to be an expert to have fun at an activity. What IS often true is that if the difficulty level of the activity is calibrated to our skill level, it is more likely to induce a state of flow (get in the zone). “Flow” is a term coined by psychologist Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He found that, when we are in a state of flow (which could be from an endless variety of activities such as playing a musical instrument, a sport, video games, painting, etc.), we experience extreme levels of happiness. In fact, we are so enraptured in such moments that we don’t even realize we are happy until we reflect upon it afterwards! Now, if you are trying to play Mozart on piano and your skill level is only at Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, you WON’T be having fun. However, as long as the difficulty of the activity matched to your skill level, you can achieve a state of flow and thus have fun. For example, one of the most enjoyable activities I’ve ever done was surfing in Hawaii. Although I’m a total novice,  I had a peak life experience.

Now, to be REALLY good at an activity…to be elite, one does have to work. I agree with Ms. Chua’s statement on that. However, her statement that “…children on their own never want to work” is incorrect. There are plenty of top athletes, musicians, artists, scientists, and others who have become top performers without someone coercing them to work hard. The parents of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Vincent Van Gogh, Bruce Lee, Jimmy Hendrix, or Georgia O’Keefe did not force them to work hard. Sometimes parents do have to coerce their kids to work hard, especially when trying to get them to perfect skill fundamentals and nascences (e.g., Tiger Woods, Mozart, Andre Agassi). However, it is not the case that children never work hard on their own. Moreover, I believe that it is better that the drive to work hard comes internally rather than externally. If it is only through coercion that we get children to work hard, what happens when the coercion isn’t there? Coercive tactics can really backfire too, as they did with Lulu. Lulu became an accomplished violinist but there was immeasurable suffering along the way. Plus, you can never get those childhood years back.

It is true that performing at an elite level offers many rewards such states of flow, accolades from others, prestige, scholarships, possibly a career, and so on. However, we need to remember that there are opportunity costs involved. Borrowing from the field of economics, an opportunity cost (thanks, Wikipedia) “is the cost of any activity measured in terms of the value of the best alternative that is not chosen (that is foregone)”. So, in order to achieve excellence within in a particular domain, we must sacrifice other potentially rewarding pursuits.

Looking at the rigors of the musical training that Ms. Chua required in terms of opportunity costs, a mistaken assumption of hers is that play is not beneficial for kids. However, research shows that play offers kids many benefits including improved social and cognitive skills as well as a reduction of stress and anxiety. She also denigrates video games as a waste of time but research indicates that many video games provide benefits such as improved visual, spatial, and problem-solving skills as well as becoming an effective team player (a much valued skill in our increasingly networked society).  A wonderful book on how video games can bring out the best in us as individuals and as a society is Dr. Jane McGonigal’s Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World.

Ms. Chua made another statement that caused me to believe that she misunderstands something fundamental to what leads to happiness in life. She was arguing with her eldest daughter, Sophia and trying to impress upon Sophia that it is an honor to be the eldest child in the family. Ms. Chua states, “The problem is that Western culture doesn’t see it that way. In Disney movies, the ‘good’ daughter always has to have a breakdown and realize that life is not all about following rules and winning prizes, and then take off her clothes and run into the ocean or something like that. But that’s just Disney’s way of appealing to all the people who never win any prizes. Winning prizes gives you opportunities, and that’s freedom – not running into the ocean.”

Wow. Ms. Chua has a lot left to learn from Disney. True freedom doesn’t come from winning more prizes - it comes from liberating oneself from the need to win prizes. This is not a cop-out or just “appealing to all the people who never win any prizes.” These are deep spiritual teachings that come from Taoism (whose roots are, ironically, Chinese), Buddhism, Christianity, and probably every spiritual tradition.  According to the Four Noble Truths within Buddhism, most of our suffering is caused by clinging or craving (e.g., trying to win prizes). Buddhists seek to liberate themselves from this type of suffering by following the Noble Eightfold Path.

Research from the field of positive psychology from psychologists such as Dr. Martin Seligman, Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky also support the idea that winning prizes isn’t the key to happiness. There are countless of miserable people who have won lots of prizes – including Oscars, Pulitzers, Nobles, Grammys…you name it. Just look at the “prize” that wealth buys. Beyond the poverty level, there is basically no correlation between wealth and happiness. Moreover, an analysis of the happiest countries in the world reveals that the richest countries per capita financially are not the happiest ones.

Prizes don’t make us happy in a deep, lasting sense. In fact, they can tether our happiness to performance – we are only happy when we are “winning” (thanks, Charlie Sheen) prizes. This is a vulnerable position in which to be. We could be winning one day, but then we might be losing the next. More importantly, if we are winning, then this necessarily means that others are losing. Because our happiness is inextricably linked with the happiness of others then, in a sense, if they suffer unhappiness because of losing, that unhappiness can spread within a social network, ultimately even diminishing our own happiness as the “winners.”

The best things in life are truly free. They are not contingent upon winning prizes. Research indicates that about 70% our happiness comes from our relationships. Think of your own best times in life. How many of those are about winning prizes? How many are about time with your significant other, children, or close friends going camping, hiking, to a concert, to the beach, or just having conversations over coffee or dinner? And how about appreciating the beauty of nature as another means to experience the sublime? I can honestly say that my happiest, most transcendent times in life have nothing to do with winning prizes. 

Ms. Chua might counter that I haven’t worked hard enough to win better or enough prizes! However, whether looking deeply at spiritual teachings, our own lives, or research findings from the field of psychology, it is clear that true freedom or happiness in life doesn’t come from winning prizes.

Just to cover this base, the type of liberation I’m talking about doesn’t mean we won’t work hard to accomplish goals. However, our working and striving will come from a pure place and be free of the fear that comes from constantly focusing on the prize instead of the enjoyment of the activity itself.

At the end of her memoir, Ms. Chua doesn’t offer any  epiphanies or important life lessons. She basically remains unapologetic about her behavior regarding Lulu…kind of “the end justifies the means.” Fortunately, her girls don’t hold it against their mother and, I’m certain, are wonderful young ladies. But this doesn’t prove that Ms. Chua’s parenting methods are effective or desirable. Correlation doesn’t equal causation. I would have bet my bottom dollar that even if Ms. Chua hadn’t coerced her daughters into countess hours of musical practice, they would still have grown into accomplished, hard-working, responsible, respectful, and “successful” teenagers and young women. Thus, they might be successes now despite Ms. Chua’s insistence on rigorous musical training and other coercive parenting practices, not because of them. And let’s not forget the parenting contributions of her husband, Jed, who seemed to consistently convey the message that he completely loved and accepted his daughters whether they were musical virtuosos or not. They might not have endured their mother’s tiger parenting without him as an anchor.

In sum, the whole idea of “winning prizes” seems to be what motivates Ms. Chua’s tiger parenting in the first place. To me, parenting, like life, isn’t some type of competition in which our primary goal is trying to be the best…to out-perform others and win the most and best prizes.  That is not the path to happiness and, in my opinion, not the message we want to convey to our children. The path to happiness is to realize that life is a gift, and you are the prize. And running into the ocean? Well, that’s embracing and celebrating this prize. You are it! Thanks, Disney, for trying to teach and remind us of this truth. Ms. Chua, the ocean is waiting for you – and for all of us – to celebrate our prize!

• Listen carefully to others’ points of view and ask questions to make sure you understand their concerns to avoid “mind reading” (i.e., saying you know what other people think)
• Use active listening techniques such as having good eye contact, leaning forward, and nodding.
• Avoid looking away, using the silent treatment, or crossing your arms, etc.
• Let each person completely state his or her thought without interruption
• Give feedback by paraphrasing or restating to make sure family members are truly understood by others
• Use a natural and neutral tone of voice instead of yelling or talking loudly
• Use appropriate facial expressions and avoid scowling, eye-rolling, or using antagonistic facial expressions towards others
• Use brief statements of 10-15 words or less to avoid long lectures
• Use “I statements” and take responsibility for your own actions
• Use direct and specific language such as “Please talk to your sister in a respectful manner” and avoid vague statements and use of negative questions such as “Why do you always do that?”
• Make constructive statements such as “Something is bothering me; can we discuss it?”
• Say what you mean and be specific and straightforward to avoid sarcasm
• Stay on one topic and focus on the here and now to avoid bringing up old issues or past behaviors
• Express feelings to others appropriately and do not use putdowns or name calling

Using effective communication keeps conversations productive and helps everyone move toward a solution without getting stuck in a negative cycle. Using poor communication can contribute to frustration, anger, and interferes with true problem-solving. Try these ideas to improve communication and problem-solving in your family.

“Free play” is unstructured, imaginative, child-directed play. It does not include playing video games or watching television, and it also does not include games with predetermined rules. Free play is so crucially important because it is the way in which children naturally learn the ways of the world. In play, children try on different roles, they work together to create their own rules, learn social skills such as problem solving and compromise, and children learn lessons about their physical environment by manipulating objects in their play. Children freely use their imagination in play and learn to “think outside the box” and become creative problem solvers. When children are engaged in free play, they are fully absorbed by what they are doing, they are engaged with their entire bodies and minds. Children learn best and most when they are so fully engaged in what they are doing. Adults can experience a similar state of absorption as well, some people call it “flow” or “being in the zone”. A good example of this is when professional athletes are performing their sport, or when artists are creating master pieces. It is so important for children to be in this state of “flow” as much as possible, because, as we all know, the more our brains do something, the better and more efficient they get at it, and the easier it becomes to get into that state again later.

The Scientific American recently published a great article summarizing the benefits of free play. Research suggests that free play is important in the development of social skills. Additionally, children who have very few opportunities for free play develop poorer social skills than children who have more opportunities for free play, and show less social adjustment as adults (for example, they get arrested more often). Additionally, play helps children reduce stress and lowers their anxiety. Finally, research shows that play is beneficial for children’s cognitive development. Because children are creative during play, come across unexpected situations, and use their imagination freely, play actually helps children become smarter!

A recently published New York Times article describes efforts of parents trying to reestablish free play in the lives of children. There is much that schools and we as parents can do to help. Parents can clear the schedule for several afternoons and on the weekend, turn off the television and computer, save homework for later, and let your children play! Parents and teachers can communicate about the amounts of homework that are being sent home, and recess should be defended as a child’s basic right. I hope that everybody who reads this blog will find some time to go out and play, and have fun with it!

Encouraging children to pursue their own preferences and choices

*Students’ intrinsic motivation has been shown to improve when they are allowed more autonomy. Parents and teachers may increase students’ sense of autonomy by:

Soliciting input about how lessons may be improved

Allowing students to create the classroom and household rules

Providing opportunities for independently learning through computer or group work

Explain why the less-preferred work is beneficial

Provide opportunities for students to self-evaluate

*Parents and teacher may also encourage exploration by increasing the opportunity for preferred activities:

Students may be allowed a “centers” period to choose their activity at home or school

Parents may provide after-school opportunities to participate in preferred activities

*Parents and teachers should also establish appropriate expectations:

Ensure that students are aware of school behavior and academic expectations

Set realistic expectations for students that are attainable but provide a challenge

By using these techniques in the home or the classroom, adults can create an atmosphere of exploration and change in which children feel encouraged to explore. These techniques are key to promoting children’s intrinsic motivation to learn. For more information on intrinsic motivation, please refer to my previous blog and for additional strategies for promoting academic motivation, stay tuned!

Motivation allows all of us, including students, to start and persist in activities. Naturally, it affects students’ personal investment in school activities as well as their time on task. It can also increase individuals’ energy and activity levels, which influences whether students will approach school in a manner that is active and engaged or passive and disengaged. Motivation directs us and our actions toward certain goals. This means it affects the choices students make and which activities they make priorities. Motivation can also affect the learning and cognitive processes applied to a task. That is, high levels of motivation contribute to higher levels of cognitive engagement. Students with high motivation are more likely to use mental processes such as paying attention, learning meaningfully, elaborating, monitoring comprehension, and identifying inconsistencies in information.

The interesting thing is, students are always motivated in some way or another. Each student has some motive that is created by a desire for certain outcomes. Sixth grade students, for example, may have a range of motives such as learning the material being presented in class, getting good grades, outperforming classmates, completing assignments quickly, or impressing classmates. Of course, the same students could also be motivated to avoid thinking about math, get out of doing homework, appear “cool” to other students (even if that means doing poorly in school), or impressing other students by acting out in class. As teachers, parents, or therapists, we can help direct students’ motivation toward meaningful and productive endeavors.

We can do this by exploring the two types of motivation: extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic motivation lies outside the individual and is in play when a student strives to achieve an external reward such as points, grades, or special treats. Intrinsic motivation lies within the individual and is present when a student finds a task itself enjoyable or worthwhile. Intrinsic motivation has several advantages, because students often pursue tasks without prodding, show creativity, regulate their own progress, are actively engaged, and persist when difficulties arise. Students who are intrinsically motivated tend to achieve at high levels, strive for true understanding of the material, and seek out additional opportunities to apply their new skills or knowledge. Of course, having all intrinsically motivated students would be ideal; however, we should not assume that the presence of extrinsic motivators negates intrinsic motivation. Most situations or motivators have both extrinsically and intrinsically motivating qualities. For example, receiving an A on a paper may be extrinsically motivating if the parent rewards the child with a new toy for getting the grade while the same A is intrinsically motivating because the student feels a sense of pride and knows that he or she mastered the material.

So what can we do to increase students’ motivation? First, establish an academic climate that the student finds caring, supportive, and interesting. They should feel competent, respected, and valued. To accomplish this, parents and teachers should nurture learning and facilitate exploration and change. At home, this may mean creating a “learning center” in the home where the student’s learning is encouraged and they are allowed to explore. For example, this “learning center” may include blocks to explore mathematical principles or a chemistry set to explore science.

Parents may also nurture learning by regarding the student positively, practicing acceptance and validation of emotions, reassurance, and satisfaction. This means that if a student becomes frustrated with schoolwork, this frustration should not be met with denial or additional frustration from the parent. Rather the parents should express understanding of the frustration and provide reassurance that the academic difficulty can be overcome.

Creating a nurturing learning environment in which students are encourage to explore is a great step toward fostering academic motivation in your child. This step will form the foundation where additional motivating factors can be added. Stay tuned for additional steps toward motivating your child in my next blog.

For many families, school and homework can become a source of frustration and conflict. Getting your child to do homework each day can be a daunting task, especially when you are competing with TV, video games, and texting. In an attempt to motivate their kids to do homework, parents sometimes resort to punishment and other coercive strategies. Unfortunately this is often counter productive. When you attempt to control your child’s behavior through coercive methods, your relationship with your child will often erode. And a good relationship with your child is the most powerful leverage you have.

There are some things you can do to inspire your child to make responsible choices regarding her homework and school in general, without resorting to coercion. Ultimately, you want your child to take responsibility for her own learning process. Being successful in school, and mastering new skills and knowledge would ideally be its own reward.

• Kids are often tired when they come home from school. Rather than going straight to homework, spend some time relaxing with your child, eating a snack, going for a walk outside, or playing in the park or the backyard. Use this time to connect with your child, rather than spend time watching TV or playing video games.
• It is perfectly okay to limit access to TV, video games, and other leisure activities until homework has been completed. This is not a punishment, rather, you can explain that you too have to fulfill your responsibilities at work before you get paid each month, and that the money has to be spent on bills and food before it can be spent on leisure. Emphasize, however, that it is your child’s choice whether or not he will complete his homework, and whether or not he will get access to TV, video games, or other leisure activities.
• Leave discipline for what happens at school to the school. If your child is having difficulties at school, and disciplinary action is being taken, support the school’s decision, but avoid punishing your child at home. Instead, listen to your child’s side of the story of what happened, and talk through the choices your child made. Talk about how in the future she can make better choices.
• Offer encouragement and praise when your child makes good choices regarding schoolwork. When you see your child working hard, or persisting when he is working on a challenging task, praise his effort and persistence.
• Leave the responsibility for completing schoolwork with your child, but be present as a resource. Offer encouragement for responsible choices, and explain that getting good grades are the consequences of hard work and taking responsibility. Offer guidance and support, but work towards your child becoming the owner of her own learning process.
• If your child has difficulty organizing his time, or if he becomes overwhelmed with work, collaborate with your child to come up with a system to organize his time. Check this blogpost by Lindsay Bell for great tips on how to get your child more organized.
• It may also be that your child is having difficulty with schoolwork because of a learning disability. In that case it would be important to consult with a professional to determine how to best help your child.

Building and maintaining a positive and supportive relationship with your child is a difficult task, and requires a delicate balance between boundaries and closeness. Check out this page for more information about a compassionate approach to discipline. For more tips on building, improving, and maintaining a close relationship with your child, check out these tips as well.

a.      To begin, identify a specific self-help behavior as a goal; for example, your child’s first goal may be brushing his/her teeth independently. 

b.      Observe other children completing this activity or pay careful attention when you are completing this activity.  Make a note of every step in the teeth-brushing process. 

c.       Now you have broken teeth-brushing down into a series of steps.  Start with step #1 as the first goal.  When your child is brushing his/her teeth, provide as many prompts and reminders and necessary for him/her to complete the task.  Visual cues may also be useful at this stage.  However, do not provide too many prompts.  Otherwise, your child may become dependent on the prompts, even when he/she no longer needs them.

d.      As your child becomes successful at each step, gradually remove some of the prompts and provide rewards for appropriate behavior.

e.       Be consistent – training must occur at every opportunity.  If you are pressed for time one evening and brush his/her teeth for him/her, rather than sticking to the training procedure, it is possible that your child will regress and you will have to start over from scratch.

f.       Create a plan for transferring skills learned at home to other settings.  For example, help your child generalize his/her teeth-brushing skills to public restrooms, school restrooms, or a friend’s house.

There are many helpful books available that have been designed to teach self-help skills to children and adolescents.  One example is Taking Care of Myself by Mary Wrobel and Autism Life Skills by Chantal Sicile Kira.  You may find it helpful to purchase a book like this or check it out at a local library and read it with your child.  Just remember to always be patient and don’t be afraid to tweak these strategies to make them most appropriate for your unique child.

Establish a Routine

Create and maintain a consistent schedule each day or week so that your child is able to develop a routine. By doing the same thing in the same sequence each day, your child will be able to cultivate rituals that make daily tasks easier to maintain. For example, if your child knows that he will be returning home directly after football practice every day, he can establish a routine in which he puts his cleats, pads, and keys in the same place each day. This eliminates the rush and confusion of looking for those items that tends to arise when a routine is not established. For an additional example, if your child knows that the family has breakfast together every  morning, a morning ritual can be established in which this time is used to go over any papers that have been sent home from the school or to check that all homework is in the backpack. By establishing regular routines, troublesome tasks such as keeping track of football cleats or signing paperwork from school can become second-nature.

Use Visual Cues

Many children, especially those with attention difficulties, benefit from visual cues. These can include colorful notes or lists reminding the child of important tasks. This could include hanging a check-out list near the child’s door that he must consult every morning before leaving his room. This might look something like:

1. Brush teeth
2. Feed gerbil
3. Put homework in backpack
4. Pack soccer uniform

Other examples of helpful visual cues would be to place a colorful note on the bathroom mirror reminding your child to take his vitamins in the morning or a note on the front door reminding her to take her lunch.

Create an Organizational System for Schoolwork

Children, particularly those with ADHD, often need to be given a concrete system of organization for their schoolwork. The tasks of bringing home schoolwork, completing it, and returning it to school can be overwhelming for a child. Add to that maintaining class notes, bringing home newsletters and permission slips, and mediating other correspondence between school and home, and this begins to seem like an impossible task for many children. Simple adjustments to a child’s organizational system can reap huge benefits. For example, a home-school folder can be established in which your child can place any papers that need to be sent home or back to the school. That folder can live in the child’s backpack and the parents and teachers can help by consistently checking that folder. Another organizational strategy is to color-code your child’s school supplies by subject. For example, your child’s Science book could be covered in red contact paper and his Science notebook and folder could also each be red. Then, if your child knows he has Science homework, he simply needs to make sure he brings home all of his red supplies. That task can seem much less intimidating than remembering to bring home the correct book, notebook, folder, etc. for every assignment. 

These simple tips are a great start for anyone trying to bring some organization to their child’s life. Of course, be flexible with these strategies and don’t be afraid build upon what works. If your child benefits from visual cues in his bedroom, establish them throughout the house!  If color-coding your child’s classes helps, try color-coding after-school activities as well! You could be amazed at the difference a few, simple organization strategies can make.