Now, we’ve all had experiences like this, right? Sometimes we are on the other end in which someone is trying to convince us that we are wrong. One thing that takes places during such times is called “psychological reactance.” It is a term coined from the field of social psychology. It occurs when Person A is trying to limit Person B’s freedom in some way (e.g., Person A tells Person B she is wrong or must take a particular action). Then Person B reacts in a way, usually emotionally-driven, to reinstate his/her freedom. In the case of an argument, Person B’s original views are likely to grow in opposition to Person A’s arguments rather than become weaker or switching sides altogether. It reminds me of an old saying, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

You can see this play out politics quite a bit. In a debate, how often do you see a candidate switch his/her position to that of their opposition? Think of all of the arguments that you’ve been in – how often do you completely switch to the other person’s point of view? Do you ever find yourself arguing even more vigorously for your original point of view? This is called polarization – how arguments can push people’s positions further away from each other.

So, we must be wary when we get into arguments – we often have the exact opposite of our intended effect. Moreover, arguments can cause rifts in relationships. Relationships are key to our own happiness (and to that of others). Thus, in trying to be right were are often not being effective. Since our relationships our inextricably linked to our own happiness, we can really shoot ourselves in the foot by trying to “win” an argument.

But something else struck me in the argument that occurred with my friend. I started viewing her as being stubborn. Then I suddenly realized something – stubborn requires two to tango. She cannot be stubborn without me also being stubborn. Stubborn, by definition, requires two forces in opposition (or perhaps one irresistible force and one immovable object!). Instead of asking why my friend was being so stubborn, it dawned on me what I should be asking instead is: Why am I being so stubborn? 

I’ve posted on this topic in previous blogs – we can’t control other people, but only our own behavior (and that can be quite a challenge anyway!). Trying to control others can often result in psychological reactance, polarization, and damaged relationships. When we start viewing others as stubborn for not yielding to us in some way (e.g., changing their behavior, their point of view), we should instead turn the spotlight on ourselves and ask ourselves why we are being stubborn.

There is a line from an old U2 song in which Bono sang, “I can’t change the world, but I can change the world in me.” I always liked that line. Now I have a new way in which to apply it so I can liberate myself from my own hard-headedness. Perhaps the next time you catch yourself in an argument and viewing someone as stubborn, you can turn the spotlight around. Sometimes the best way to “win” a tug-of-war is to not pick up the rope in the first place. It’s a choice we all have if we just take a moment to realize it.

Mindfulness has been around for thousands of years and is a core component of many Eastern spiritual and wisdom traditions, including Buddhism, Hinduism, and Taoism. (It should be noted that other spiritual traditions teach aspects of mindfulness including Sufism, Kabalism, and contemplative Christianity.) Importantly, mindfulness is not a religion in itself but rather it is an approach to living that is embedded in many spiritual and religious traditions. So, one need not be a believer in some faith to practice mindfulness but, if you are a follower of a particular faith, a mindfulness practice can easily be subsumed within your faith and actually enhance your spiritual life. 

Practitioners using a mindful approach to living have been benefiting from it for thousands of years, but it is only in about the past decade or so that Western psychology has started studying the benefits of mindfulness in earnest. As the number of books on mindfulness mushrooms, you will find different approaches emphasized in both the study and practice of mindfulness. Some take a more, I guess one could say “New Age” approach, others emphasize the teachings of Buddhism and still others delve into the neuroscience behind how a mindfulness practice changes the brain. 

One thing you will find with mindfulness is there is no one “right way” to study or practice. Both Eastern spiritual teachings as well as the findings from Western science advocate how transformative mindfulness can be. I’ve always liked an “East Meets West” approach because I find that both offer insights that I find both fascinating and useful. I’ve read two such books recently that both offer this approach: Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and Richard Mendius, M.D. and Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfulness by Susan L. Smalley, Ph.D. and Diana Winston. 

In both of these books, the authors explain what mindfulness is, the science behind how it works, and how it can be practiced to diminish negative emotions and enhance happiness. I would say that Buddha’s Brain gets a little more technical with regard to the neuroscience of how mindfulness works (as the title implies) and Fully Present offers more practical, day-to-day strategies on how to use mindfulness (included a number of guided mindfulness meditations that you can practice on your own). If you are new to mindfulness or just curious, I would recommend, of these two books, starting with Fully Present. But if you enjoy this book and the general approach, you might then try reading Buddha’s Brain. Just an FYI, I listened to the audiobooks for both of these works and found the readers equally engaging. 

First, before I jump into this topic, I want to apologize for the long delay since my last blog. I recently had a third child, so it’s difficult to keep up! My aim is to post weekly, so I promise to get back on track.

I listened the audiobook version of Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother a few months ago. Ms. Chua narrated the book, and she was able to make these very personal stories come to life. I have waited a couple of months to write this book review because the book stirred so many reactions within me that I hardly knew where to start.

If you missed the media storm that followed the release of this book, it is a memoir of how Ms. Chua, a Chinese-American, raised her two daughters as a “tiger mother.” Basically, she was cracking the whip from day one on both of her daughters to excel in certain facets of life. I deliberately say “certain facets” because, while Ms. Chua emphasizes that her girls be top-notch in academics and at their respective musical instruments (eldest daughter,Sophia, the piano; youngest daughter, Lulu, the violin), she did not seem as concerned that they are advanced in their peer relationships, computer, gaming, athletic, dancing, or composing their own original musical works.

Ms. Chua is quite accomplished in her own right. She received her undergraduate degree at Harvard and went to Harvard law school. She is a Yale law school professor and authored two well-received books on international affairs prior to writing Battle Hymn. Her husband, Jed, also a Yale law school professor and author, receives relatively little attention in this memoir. Inferring from her description within the book, he is the more calm, stable, supportive, and easygoing parent. Yet I was curious as to why he allowed Ms. Chua to push her own agenda with her daughters, which ended up causing great turmoil with Lulu, and didn’t strongly intervene.

One of Ms. Chua’s primary goals as a parent, as she explains, is to raise both of her daughters in a strict, highly-involved manner to ensure that they both were top-performers academically and musically. According to the Chinese “tiger parenting” approach, children are very resilient, parents always know what is best for their children, and children should obey their parents at all times. Thus, tiger parents believe that children can endure the rigors of a strict, sometimes harsh, upbringing and ultimately thrive because of it. She describes how Western parents often coddle their children and parent from a position based on the presumed weakness or delicacy of children. Ms. Chua does make clear that not all Chinese or Asian parents are “tiger parents” and not all Western parents are…pussycats? Wimps? There are tiger parents in all cultures.

So, first off I have to hand it to Ms. Chua for:

1. Being honest and having the courage (or business acumen?) to write this book.
2. Writing an extremely thought-provoking and engaging memoir of how she raised her children
3. Creating such a controversy around her parenting style that it created a best-seller and got her on the talk-show circuit.
4. Showing significant love and devotion to both of her daughters. While I disagree with the manner that she shows it sometimes, I have no doubt that Ms. Chua loves her daughters dearly and would do anything for them.
5. Having way more hours in her day than I do! My God, the woman teaches at Yale law school, wrote two other books prior to Battle Hymn, personally supervised much of her daughters musical training, and drove them to countless music lessons, competitions, and performances. The woman must not need sleep!

Although Ms. Chua clearly states that she is not intending to write a “how to” parenting guide, she chronicles many of her “tiger parent” philosophies and values. It is apparent that she believes in the effectiveness of tiger parenting, otherwise she wouldn’t have used this approach as a parent.

As a tiger mother, Ms. Chua would not allow her daughters to:

• Watch TV
• Play video games
• Have play dates
• Have sleep overs
• Earn less than an “A” in their school work

Also, each daughter had to become a virtuoso at a musical instrument. Her eldest daughter was required to play piano, and her youngest daughter started on the piano but was moved to the violin after a couple of years. Each daughter was obligated to practice several hours daily, even when the family went on vacations to various places around the world. Ms. Chua scoffed at how Western parents would only have their children practice a music instrument 15-30 minutes per day and still consider that practice. She required her children to put their noses to the grindstone for hours per day no matter what.

Although Ms. Chua’s eldest daughter, Sophia, responded fairly well to to her tiger parenting,Lulu was very oppositional from the start. Ms. Chua described how the struggles to get Lulu to practice violin escalated from frequent arguments into recurrent, intense verbal fights as Lulu entered adolescence.  Lulu even showed some signs of depression (or at least intense feelings of anger and sadness) – probably due to the cumulative effects of these battles.

Ms. Chua is the product of tiger parenting, and she has, at least by some measures, been extremely successful. What’s interesting is that her husband, Jed, has been just as successful (although not the success and fame from writing a memoir like Battle Hymn). In fact, he was hired as a Yale law school professor before Ms. Chua. He was not the product of tiger parenting. Although not a viruoso at a musical instrument, he seemed to really enjoy his childhood – leisurely summer vacations, playing with friends, etc. So, what does this mean that he achieved his success without tiger parenting? Hmm…

It’s difficult to tell whether Ms. Chua was exaggerating at times just for the effect, but some of her statements caused me to cringe because they are just wrong (from a factual and not just a value sense). Here’s an example: “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you are good at it. To get good at anything, you have to work, and children on their own never want to work.”

For real? First of all, one doesn’t have to be “good” at something to have fun. That’s completely wrong. Reflect upon this yourself. Did you ever try a new sport, video game, musical instrument, dance, etc. and have fun without ever really being too good at it? Of course you have and so have I! One doesn’t have to be an expert to have fun at an activity. What IS often true is that if the difficulty level of the activity is calibrated to our skill level, it is more likely to induce a state of flow (get in the zone). “Flow” is a term coined by psychologist Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. He found that, when we are in a state of flow (which could be from an endless variety of activities such as playing a musical instrument, a sport, video games, painting, etc.), we experience extreme levels of happiness. In fact, we are so enraptured in such moments that we don’t even realize we are happy until we reflect upon it afterwards! Now, if you are trying to play Mozart on piano and your skill level is only at Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, you WON’T be having fun. However, as long as the difficulty of the activity matched to your skill level, you can achieve a state of flow and thus have fun. For example, one of the most enjoyable activities I’ve ever done was surfing in Hawaii. Although I’m a total novice,  I had a peak life experience.

Now, to be REALLY good at an activity…to be elite, one does have to work. I agree with Ms. Chua’s statement on that. However, her statement that “…children on their own never want to work” is incorrect. There are plenty of top athletes, musicians, artists, scientists, and others who have become top performers without someone coercing them to work hard. The parents of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Vincent Van Gogh, Bruce Lee, Jimmy Hendrix, or Georgia O’Keefe did not force them to work hard. Sometimes parents do have to coerce their kids to work hard, especially when trying to get them to perfect skill fundamentals and nascences (e.g., Tiger Woods, Mozart, Andre Agassi). However, it is not the case that children never work hard on their own. Moreover, I believe that it is better that the drive to work hard comes internally rather than externally. If it is only through coercion that we get children to work hard, what happens when the coercion isn’t there? Coercive tactics can really backfire too, as they did with Lulu. Lulu became an accomplished violinist but there was immeasurable suffering along the way. Plus, you can never get those childhood years back.

It is true that performing at an elite level offers many rewards such states of flow, accolades from others, prestige, scholarships, possibly a career, and so on. However, we need to remember that there are opportunity costs involved. Borrowing from the field of economics, an opportunity cost (thanks, Wikipedia) “is the cost of any activity measured in terms of the value of the best alternative that is not chosen (that is foregone)”. So, in order to achieve excellence within in a particular domain, we must sacrifice other potentially rewarding pursuits.

Looking at the rigors of the musical training that Ms. Chua required in terms of opportunity costs, a mistaken assumption of hers is that play is not beneficial for kids. However, research shows that play offers kids many benefits including improved social and cognitive skills as well as a reduction of stress and anxiety. She also denigrates video games as a waste of time but research indicates that many video games provide benefits such as improved visual, spatial, and problem-solving skills as well as becoming an effective team player (a much valued skill in our increasingly networked society).  A wonderful book on how video games can bring out the best in us as individuals and as a society is Dr. Jane McGonigal’s Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World.

Ms. Chua made another statement that caused me to believe that she misunderstands something fundamental to what leads to happiness in life. She was arguing with her eldest daughter, Sophia and trying to impress upon Sophia that it is an honor to be the eldest child in the family. Ms. Chua states, “The problem is that Western culture doesn’t see it that way. In Disney movies, the ‘good’ daughter always has to have a breakdown and realize that life is not all about following rules and winning prizes, and then take off her clothes and run into the ocean or something like that. But that’s just Disney’s way of appealing to all the people who never win any prizes. Winning prizes gives you opportunities, and that’s freedom – not running into the ocean.”

Wow. Ms. Chua has a lot left to learn from Disney. True freedom doesn’t come from winning more prizes - it comes from liberating oneself from the need to win prizes. This is not a cop-out or just “appealing to all the people who never win any prizes.” These are deep spiritual teachings that come from Taoism (whose roots are, ironically, Chinese), Buddhism, Christianity, and probably every spiritual tradition.  According to the Four Noble Truths within Buddhism, most of our suffering is caused by clinging or craving (e.g., trying to win prizes). Buddhists seek to liberate themselves from this type of suffering by following the Noble Eightfold Path.

Research from the field of positive psychology from psychologists such as Dr. Martin Seligman, Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky also support the idea that winning prizes isn’t the key to happiness. There are countless of miserable people who have won lots of prizes – including Oscars, Pulitzers, Nobles, Grammys…you name it. Just look at the “prize” that wealth buys. Beyond the poverty level, there is basically no correlation between wealth and happiness. Moreover, an analysis of the happiest countries in the world reveals that the richest countries per capita financially are not the happiest ones.

Prizes don’t make us happy in a deep, lasting sense. In fact, they can tether our happiness to performance – we are only happy when we are “winning” (thanks, Charlie Sheen) prizes. This is a vulnerable position in which to be. We could be winning one day, but then we might be losing the next. More importantly, if we are winning, then this necessarily means that others are losing. Because our happiness is inextricably linked with the happiness of others then, in a sense, if they suffer unhappiness because of losing, that unhappiness can spread within a social network, ultimately even diminishing our own happiness as the “winners.”

The best things in life are truly free. They are not contingent upon winning prizes. Research indicates that about 70% our happiness comes from our relationships. Think of your own best times in life. How many of those are about winning prizes? How many are about time with your significant other, children, or close friends going camping, hiking, to a concert, to the beach, or just having conversations over coffee or dinner? And how about appreciating the beauty of nature as another means to experience the sublime? I can honestly say that my happiest, most transcendent times in life have nothing to do with winning prizes. 

Ms. Chua might counter that I haven’t worked hard enough to win better or enough prizes! However, whether looking deeply at spiritual teachings, our own lives, or research findings from the field of psychology, it is clear that true freedom or happiness in life doesn’t come from winning prizes.

Just to cover this base, the type of liberation I’m talking about doesn’t mean we won’t work hard to accomplish goals. However, our working and striving will come from a pure place and be free of the fear that comes from constantly focusing on the prize instead of the enjoyment of the activity itself.

At the end of her memoir, Ms. Chua doesn’t offer any  epiphanies or important life lessons. She basically remains unapologetic about her behavior regarding Lulu…kind of “the end justifies the means.” Fortunately, her girls don’t hold it against their mother and, I’m certain, are wonderful young ladies. But this doesn’t prove that Ms. Chua’s parenting methods are effective or desirable. Correlation doesn’t equal causation. I would have bet my bottom dollar that even if Ms. Chua hadn’t coerced her daughters into countess hours of musical practice, they would still have grown into accomplished, hard-working, responsible, respectful, and “successful” teenagers and young women. Thus, they might be successes now despite Ms. Chua’s insistence on rigorous musical training and other coercive parenting practices, not because of them. And let’s not forget the parenting contributions of her husband, Jed, who seemed to consistently convey the message that he completely loved and accepted his daughters whether they were musical virtuosos or not. They might not have endured their mother’s tiger parenting without him as an anchor.

In sum, the whole idea of “winning prizes” seems to be what motivates Ms. Chua’s tiger parenting in the first place. To me, parenting, like life, isn’t some type of competition in which our primary goal is trying to be the best…to out-perform others and win the most and best prizes.  That is not the path to happiness and, in my opinion, not the message we want to convey to our children. The path to happiness is to realize that life is a gift, and you are the prize. And running into the ocean? Well, that’s embracing and celebrating this prize. You are it! Thanks, Disney, for trying to teach and remind us of this truth. Ms. Chua, the ocean is waiting for you – and for all of us – to celebrate our prize!

Eric Weiner’s The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World is an absolute treat. Weiner is a journalist and a veteran foreign correspondent for National Public Radio and a self-professed curmudgeon. As the book implies, Weiner chronicles his quest to discover why people in some countries (e.g., Iceland, Switzerland, Thailand) are much happier than in others (e.g., Moldova, Qatar). Weiner deftly describes his insights during his travels in a hilariously witty fashion. Weiner narrates the audiobook, so he his sense of humor comes across effortlessly. I laughed aloud many times while listening to this audiobook, and that was usually when I was by myself while running or driving. Laughing by myself is not something I or most people are prone to do, so the book is that good.

Weiner also weaves research findings from the fields of positive psychology and sociology into The Geography of Bliss. So, the book is educational but he integrates this information so well that Weiner never comes across as dry or pedantic. Weiner is an expert storyteller. I felt as if he were a good friend who was back from some crazy journeys and was telling me of his adventures and discoveries.  Weiner impressively summarizes what he learned from his travels about the nature of happiness in general and why citizens of some countries are much happier than others in particular. And, like a good friend leaving, I was very sad to say goodbye to Eric and this wonderful book.  Pick up (or download) a copy of The Geography of Bliss – you will be in for a wonderfully entertaining ride while you learn some powerful truths about the nature of happiness along the way.

Researchers in psychology and related fields have found that in order to cultivate positive relationships, we should aim for a ratio of at least 3:1 positive/supportive comments to negative/critical comments. This is true whether it is in friendships, romantic relationships, or work groups. Relationships characterized by negativity not only lead to greater distress and unhappiness, but creativity and work productivity are stifled as well. Predominantly positive relationships help us to better connect with one another-happiness resides within relationships.

If we reflect on this, we can all readily find evidence that it is true. For example,

• Think of the times that you were happiest in life. And I mean truly happy, not just feelings of sensory pleasure. Were you with others or by yourself?
• Are some of these happiest moments were when you were with loved ones or strangers?
• How about your unhappiest moments? Where these by yourself? When a romantic relationship ended? You moved away from your family and friends? When you lost a loved one?
• How do you feel when you are criticized? Rejected? How does it affect your behavior? Your mood?

So, you don’t have to just take my word for it, you can reflect on your own experiences to know, at a very deep level, that positive relationships have a huge impact on our well-being (again, as well as that of others). If we can accept this to be True (capital “T” intended), then what is next? Now comes the more challenging part: what to do about it? For this knowledge to be helpful…to really make an impact…it must be put to use. If this knowledge does not inform our actions, then it is rather useless.

From personal experience and working with hundreds of clients, I’ve come to believe that it is critical to create specific plans or action items in order to manifest changes in our lives. For instance, if we say to ourselves we are going to “eat better” this year, what does that mean in practical terms? Without making more specific plans, it is very difficult to put our good intentions into action and to hold ourselves accountable (and give ourselves credit!).

So, with regard to creating more positive relationships with others, here are a few ideas:

• First, put a reminder somewhere, maybe even in several places, to help you to remember to be more positive in your relationships. The saying I like to use for my marriage that works well for me is, “Happy wife, happy life.” Reminders in your calendar, sticky notes, or cell phone screen backgrounds can work well too.
• Start keeping a journal and record at least 3 instances per day of being positive with others. This very act will help you to become more mindful of being positive toward others on a daily basis.
• Think of actions that your significant other, a good friend, or your children do that you truly appreciate…but have not openly appreciated enough. Make a point of saying one thing positive to that person on a daily basis…picking a different action to remark on each day. I think, in general, it’s better to notice an action than an attribute…something the person can control (e.g., keeping up with yard work) than an attribute they have (e.g., blond hair).

There is truth in the saying, “what comes around, goes around.” It’s kinda like the idea of karma and the Christian concept that we “reap what we sow.” Putting mindful effort into being more positive in our relationships with others is guaranteed to improve our own level of happiness as well as those around us.

A recent article in Utne describes the research of Dr. Barbara Frederickson, who has become an expert in positive emotions. Through decades of research, Dr. Frederickson has discovered that happiness is not some stable state of being that you get to when you live “happily ever after”, but something that is based on the cumulative effect of experiences of positive emotions. Dr. Frederickson defines positive emotions much broader than simply pleasure. Other examples of positive emotions include inspiration, gratitude, feelings of warmth and kindness to someone, and awe. According to Dr. Frederickson, positive emotions teach us what we need in our lives, physically and emotionally, and how we can continue to meet our needs in the future, which she calls the “broaden and build” effect. Positive emotions, just like all other emotions and states of mind, are fleeting and impermanent. But it is the ratio between positive emotions and negative emotions that determines people’s level of happiness.

Frederickson found that the “tipping point” is three experiences of positive emotions to one experience of negative emotions. The most ideal ratio is six to one. She found that this ratio worked in many different ways. For example in businesses or teams of people she measured positive interactions versus negative interactions. The most effective teams had about six positive to one negative interaction during their meetings. Low performing teams had more negative than positive interactions. When teams started having a three positive to one negative interaction ratio, they became a more high performing team. The same ratio was also found in many other situations, for example, she found that the three to one ratio was a tipping point in whether a couple stayed married or wanted a divorce.

I thought this was a fascinating finding. We can apply this directly to our lives to increase our happiness. When you pay attention to the people you interact with on a day to day basis, such as colleagues, spouse, friends, family members, children, etc. you can do your part to increase the number of positive interactions you have with these people to get to the three to one tipping point ratio and eventually build to a 4-6 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. For example, when you notice yourself criticizing your spouse, you can make sure that you then have at least three positive interactions with your spouse afterwards.

Another way to increase positive emotions is through mindfulness: being fully present each moment and appreciating little things about the situation you are in. For example, when you are stuck in traffic you can appreciate the song that is on the radio or look out of your car window and appreciate the blue sky. You can increase the moments you experience appreciation and gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal. Dr. Frederickson also found that people who learned loving kindness and compassion meditation experienced increases in positive emotions. You can train yourself to have more feelings of kindness and compassion towards other people in your life, which directly leads to an increase of positive emotions and more happiness for you!

The way a gratitude journal increases your happiness is that it forces you to pay attention to the positive aspects of your life. It changes the “lens” with which you perceive the world. You may notice that when you are in a grumpy or in a bad mood, you tend to really pay attention to the things in your day that go wrong. On top of that, your self-talk often increases your bad feelings “That jerk cut me off, why can’t people learn how to drive”… etc. Keeping a gratitude journal forces you to do the opposite. Because you always have to come up with three new things to write in your journal every day, you train yourself to pay attention to things you are grateful for. Because you pay attention to the positive aspects of your day, your mood automatically lifts and becomes more positive.

Perhaps this year, on Thanksgiving, you can start your own gratitude journal. Try it for a while, and see if it works. As for me, I am grateful to have this opportunity to communicate with you every week, my dear reader. I wish you and all the people you care about a wonderful Thanksgiving.

The author of the book is Buddhist, and many of the metaphors used in the book are based on Shambhala Buddhist teachings, however you don’t have to be a Buddhist (or even be interested in Buddhism) to benefit from them. The strategies described in this book are very compatible with all religions, and they are also useful to people who identify as agnostic or atheist.

The main thread throughout the book is an emphasis on the importance of living ones life with kindness, compassion, and concern for others. Sakyong Mipham describes how many of us are living our lives thinking about “me” and “what about me”, and “what’s in it for me?”. The secret to a more happy, more fulfilled life, the secret to ruling your world, is to change that old habit and put concern for others’ well being first.

Teachings on the benefits of love and compassion aren’t unique to Buddhism. In fact, all religions in the world teach about the importance of kindness and love. Recent scientific research shows that what makes us happy is not how much money we make, or how many possessions we have, but being connected to the people we love, being connected to our community, and being engaged in activities we experience as meaningful.

“Ruling Your World” is full of strategies to help you change the habit of being preoccupied with “me”. Sakyong Mipham’s writing style is humorous and compassionate, and he is able to communicate these ancient wisdoms with examples and language that make them very accessible and relevant to this present time and culture.

I have found this book very useful in my daily life and in my personal relationships. I have found it most helpful to read one chapter at a time, and mull it over for a while, or use the chapter as an inspiration for my day. I hope you will find this book useful and inspirational as well.

If you found this post interesting, also check out this page, and this blog.

The messages that we receive try to sell the idea that having more wealth (e.g., in the form of a Lexus, a bigger house, diamond earrings, a Coach handbag, designer clothing) is ” better.” However, research has clearly shown that, beyond the poverty level, having more money has a minimal impact on our well-being (reviews of which can be found in  Dr. Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness and Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky’s The How of Happiness). One reason that money cannot buy happiness is related to the idea of hedonic adaptation. That is, we adjust to the new car, house, handbag, iPhone, etc., and our happiness level returns to its baseline level.

We are made to be adaptive, which is a good thing. Novelty does usually give us a rush or at least get our attention (much like we begin to ignore a ticking clock at night but a hissing sound would catch our attention). In this way, buying new things can give some momentary pleasure, but the novelty quickly wears off due to this hedonic adaptation. Think of all those Christmases as a kid in which you were jazzed for weeks before you opened your presents (hard to adapt to that which you do not know) and compare that to how you felt an hour after opening those presents (or a day, a week). That’s the hedonic adaptation kicking in! But overall, this adaptation is extremely beneficial because we’d never be here today if we were not adaptive as a species.

Now, I ran recently ran across this article by Jonah Lehrer, one of my favorite science writers, that adds another twist – how having more money can sometimes result in less happiness. To summarize, having more money allows us to enjoy some of the finer things in life – exotic places, foods, wines, etc. Well, the truth is that our lives, even if we are fairly affluent, mainly consist of more mundane places, activities, and things. We we are stuck in traffic on the way to work, grab a sandwich at Subway, sit at a desk at work, have spaghetti for dinner, read a magazine on our couch at home, and so on. Here’s the ironic part – having money allows us to gain access to the “finer things” in life and even the thought that we could be accessing these finer things (but are not because much of life is more mundane) causes us to devalue these more mundane things. Thus, our neighborhood isn’t as beautiful as Bora Bora, our Subway sandwich isn’t near as tasty as the food at the most exquisite French restaurants in Paris, etc.

Learning to savor what we have…to be fully present with the sights, sounds, textures, and tastes around us provides a deep sense of contentment and joy in our lives. But we can’t do this if we keep thinking about the grass being greener on the other side of the hill. We need to learn to appreciate the grass upon which we are standing.