Starting a Conversation with Someone You Know

When you see someone for the first time during the day, ask: “How are you?”

Ask about the:

i. Past: “How was your ____?” (e.g. class, weekend)

ii. Present: “What are you ____?” (e.g. doing, eating, reading)

iii. Future: “What are you going to do ___?” (e.g. after school, this weekend)

iv. Person’s interests: “How is ___?” (e.g. baseball practice, the play, your new video game, your pet)

Ask (Who, What, When, Where, Why , or How) or Tell (I ___) about what they said (e.g. “Where are you going on vacation?” or “I have that video game too”)

Getting to Know Someone New

Start the conversation:

i. Ask about something you see or might have in common (e.g. “That looks like a good book. What’s it about?” or “How do you like this class?”)

ii. Introduce yourself (e.g. “Hi, my name is…”)

iii. Ask and tell about these categories to get to know them and discover what you have in common:

School: What classes do you take? How do you like that subject?

Interests: What do you do for fun? Do you like sports? What kind of music do you listen to? What TV shows do you watch?

Family: Do you have any brothers or sisters? Do you have any pets?

iv. Avoid sensitive topics

v. Don’t ask or tell about things that might upset the other person

vi. End the conversation

Explain why you need to go (e.g. “My Mom is picking me up so I need to leave”), and say, “It was nice to meet you!”

Knowing When to Stop Talking

Look for signs of interest in others as you speak (e.g. smiling, nodding)

If someone looks bored (e.g. yawning, backing away, loss of eye contact), ask if they want to hear more

If they do not want to hear more

i. Stop talking about the subject

AND

ii. Ask something about them

Role-playing appropriate conversations using these tips may be helpful. Regular practice of appropriate conversations could be incorporated into the daily routine, such as the drive home from school. Of course, be sure to always praise and encourage appropriate social communication!

The ApaCenter will soon be beginning two new therapy groups to help children and teens develop these and other social skills. For more information, I encourage you to visit www.apacenter.com/groups.

An article was published recently in the Los Angeles Times about teacher effectiveness and possible ways to measure how effective teachers are. One way of measuring teacher effectiveness that has become increasingly popular is called “value-added analysis.” It works like this:  say you have two teachers, Ms. Doe and Ms. Jones.  At the beginning of the school year they look at the test scores of the children in Ms. Doe’s class, and at the test scores in Ms. Jones’ class, and they look at the percentile ranks of the students in each class. Then at the end of the school year you compare: are the students still at the same percentile rank?  Or did they go up or down in their percentile rank? The idea is that, if students in Ms. Jones’ class go up in percentile rank while students in Ms. Doe’s class go down in percentile rank, then this means that Ms. Jones is a more effective teacher than Ms. Doe.  At first glance this approach seems to make sense: the percentile rank of children’s scores at the end of the year are compared to the percentile rank of their own scores at the beginning of the year. The teacher whose students moved up the most in percentile rank is considered to be the most effective teacher. The thought is that if the most effective teachers are rewarded (through bonuses) and the least effective teachers are fired, education as a whole will become much better.

The problem with a value-added analysis is that it is comparing apples to oranges. It is very difficult to compare teachers in one school to another, let alone teachers from one school district to another. Moreover, it is much easier for a teacher in a low performing school to help move students from below average to average on standardized tests than it is for a teacher in a high performing school to help students move from very high to…very, very high.

In my opinion, perhaps an even bigger problem is that an “effective” teacher who helps students become “successful” cannot simply be defined in terms of performance on standardized tests. Is that all that it means to be a successful as a student…as a person? To perform well on standardized tests?!?

I think a better approach to promoting teacher effectiveness would start by broadening our definition about what it means to be “successful” in school beyond scores on standardized tests. For example, do students learn to:  think critically, solve problems independently, and think outside the box? Is their natural curiosity being fostered? Does the teacher recognize and build on students’ strengths, while providing them support to grow in areas of weakness? Is there a warm, supportive, and respectful community climate in the classroom? Do students learn to be good citizens, are they sensitive and respectful to the needs of others, do they learn to take responsibility? Are they being prepared to be successful beyond high school, in college and/or in a profession? These as well as  many other factors are part of a “successful” education and cannot be measured through standardized test scores alone.

Perhaps a better approach would be to determine what qualities effective teachers have in common. A good example of such research is the work of Dr. Robert Pianta, whose work is also briefly described in The New Yorker. Among other things, Dr. Pianta found that effective teachers have a keen eye for each of their students’ accomplishment and needs, and they are able to provide individualized support to each student according to their needs. I will go into further detail about this in a future post. My point is that if we determine the qualities that make teachers effective, we should be focusing on providing support to experienced teachers, beginning teachers, and teachers in training alike to foster these qualities.

Because there are so many different factors that influence students’ effectiveness in school, I will be devoting a series of blogs about some of these factors over the coming weeks. Teachers are an important part of this equation, but there are many other important factors as well, including things parents can do at home. I am looking forward to exploring these with you.

1.  SITUATION: After a social problem occurs, the child’s parents or teacher help him/her to identify the “who, what, when, where, and why” of the situation (i.e. Who was involved? What actually happened? When did it happen? Where did the problem occur? Why did it occur?). The child may need to be asked each of these questions at first, but the goal is that the child will eventually ask him/herself these questions independently.

2.  OPTIONS: The child and his/her parents or teacher brainstorm all of the options that the child could have chosen. The child should name all of the options that were considered, and his/her parents or teacher should listen to all of them without evaluating them. The child may need to be encouraged to identify multiple options.

3.  CONSEQUENCES: For each option that the child generates, a consequence for that behavior should be listed. Parents or teacher may ask the child, “So what would happen if you…?” If the child has difficulty naming the consequences of an option, role play or imagery strategies may help him/her to imagine the consequences.

4.  CHOICES: The child should prioritize his/her options. This can be done using a numerical list (e.g. rank order from 1-10) or a “yes/no” response. Then, the parents or teacher should ask the child which option the child would be able to do and which will most likely achieve the best outcomes.

5.  STRATEGIES: A plan should be developed so that the child can carry out the option if the situation occurs. Parents and teachers may collaborate with him/her on stages of the plan, but the child should generate the plan. This will help the child to feel responsible for his/her own decisions and the plan put in place.

6.  SIMULATION: The child’s parents or teacher can help him/her to practice his/her plan using imagery, talking with him/her about the plan, assisting him/her with writing down the plan, or role-playing the plan with him/her. Practice is very important, and should continue until the child feels confident in carrying out the plan on his/her own.

Remember to be patient with your child and flexible with this strategy. As your child learns to use this system independently, he or she may only need brief clues from you in order to complete each step. Then, your child may just need a listening ear as he or she works through the steps without guidance.

• The first strategy is telling the child what you want her to do instead of telling her what you do not want her to do. Try to avoid using the word “don’t” when giving your child directions. For example you can tell your toddler to: “use gentle hands” instead of saying: “no hitting”, or “the rocks stay on the ground” instead of “don’t throw rocks”. It may be difficult at first, but once you are in the habit of telling your child what you want her to do, it will become second nature, and you will be able to continue doing this through adolescence.
• When your child is engaging in an inappropriate behavior, another effective way to stop the behavior is to redirect the child to another, more appropriate behavior. Some children respond well when they are given two or three choices.
• It is important to remember that when your child does make a more appropriate choice to specifically praise the more appropriate behavior.

In order for the boundaries to be clear, consequences have to follow unacceptable misbehavior (e.g. hitting or kicking someone, or destroying something on purpose, etc. or whatever you feel is unacceptable). One consequence that is often recommended to parents is the use of time-out. In order for time-out to be effective, it has to be implemented appropriately. I recommend using time-out sparingly, and only for the most unacceptable behaviors (for example, with my toddler I only use time-out when she becomes physically aggressive). If you give a child a time-out for every single misbehavior it will quickly lose its power, and your child will not have the opportunity to be redirected or make a more appropriate choice. There are several components to the effective implementation of time-out:

1. Get at your child’s eye level, make eye contact and explain in a firm but calm voice why you are giving a time out.
2. The rule of thumb for time-out length is one minute per year of the child’s age. Use a timer with an alarm (like the one on the microwave) to avoid arguing about when time-out is over.
3. Avoid talking to, or making eye contact with your child during the time-out and keep your child away from sources of entertainment.
4. If the child gets up in the middle of time out, direct the child back to the designated time-out spot and restart the clock.
5. At the end of time-out explain to the child again why the time-out was given, and review the rule for acceptable behavior with the child.
6. Have the child repair the damage, e.g., have the child “check in” with someone they hurt, or have the child clean up items they damaged.

Here is a video of Super Nanny to illustrate how to effectively implement these steps:

After a time-out or any other disciplinary action is given, it is essential to then restore the relationship with your child and start fresh. In an interview with Dad Labs, Dr. Brooks explained how to do just that.

Time out is just one discipline strategy, and just one example of a consequence you can give your child to show that a boundary has been crossed. As I mentioned before, pick your battles and carefully decide which behaviors warrant time-out, and when it is beneficial to use a different type of consequence. Time-outs work for many children but they do not work for all children. It is important to determine what works for your child.

Good nutrition is essential for everyone, and particularly for pregnant women. Having a diet with a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables is especially important. With all this news about a possible link between pesticides and ADHD it is easy to become nervous about eating fruits and vegetables. Unfortunately, organic produce is often much more expensive. Fortunately, the Environmental Working Group looked at 100,000 studies by the FDA and the department of Agriculture on the use of pesticides and pesticide residue in produce. Based on these studies they created the “Dirty Dozen” and “Clean Fifteen” lists. The Dirty Dozen are fruits and vegetables that have high levels of pesticides even after washing, and should preferably be bought organic. The Clean Fifteen have low levels of pesticides and can be easily washed. A good way to buy affordable organic produce is to buy seasonal fruits and vegetables that are grown locally, such as those that can be found at your local farmers market. Of course it is always important to carefully wash your produce before preparing and serving it.

The Dirty Dozen are: celery, peaches, strawberries, apples, blueberries, nectarines, bell peppers, leafy greens (spinach, kale and collard greens), cherries, potatoes, grapes, and lettuce.

The Clean Fifteen are: onions, avocados, corn, pineapples, mango, peas, asparagus, kiwi fruit, cabbage, eggplant, cantaloupe, watermelon, grapefruit, sweet potatoes, and sweet onions.

Check out this video from Dr. Weil about pesticides. Very informative!

Psychology is now increasingly using meditation as part of treatment programs. Examples of these treatment programs include Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and a program for relapse prevention of depression (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy or MBCT).

Meditation can be viewed as reprogramming the brain. This is also how Sakyong Mipham approaches meditation in his book “Turning the Mind Into an Ally“. Although he does not specifically mention the phrase “reprogramming the brain”, or talk about the brain explicitly, he is talking about taming the mind, as if the mind is a wild horse.

The idea behind taming the mind, is that the purpose of meditation is to make the mind useful. Very often the mind does not do what we want it to do. For example, when studying for a test it could be that the mind wanders off to other topics, that you find yourself procrastinating, or that it is just very hard to focus. If you train your mind with meditation, you train it to focus when you want it to. When you have a trained mind, it can be a very powerful tool. The really cool thing is that you don’t have to go on very long retreats or devote hours of your time every day to train your mind. Sakyong Mipham explains how practicing meditation consistently for ten or fifteen minutes every day can already be very helpful. This book is full of great practical tips on making meditation a part of your daily routine, and on how to deal with obstacles when it becomes difficult for you to meditate.

Although the author of this book is Buddhist, you don’t have to be a Buddhist to benefit from meditation, or from the insights into the meditation process that this book offers. In fact, the practice of meditation is much older than Buddhism. Human beings have practiced meditation for thousands of years because it works.

Below is a video of the author giving meditation instruction. Give it a try, and see for yourself what it is like!

The results of the study indicate that overall, full time employment during the child’s first year of life does not affect children’s development when compared to the children of mothers who do not work, and part time employment even has some beneficial effects. Previous studies have indicated that when a mother works full time this is associated with their children having somewhat lower scores on tests that measure cognitive skills. However, this study shows that mothers’ employment is also associated with several positive things including: more financial stability, greater sensitivity of mothers when children are 4.5 years old, and higher quality childcare. These three factors are actually related to better cognitive development in children. Taken together it turns out that mothers’ full time employment has no effect on children’s cognitive development compared to mothers who are at home full time.

Whereas the effect of mothers’ full time work is neutral compared to mothers who do not work outside the home, the effect of part time work turns out to be positive. Mothers who work part time had greater sensitivity, and the home environment of families where the mother worked part time was rated more positively. Mothers’ employment (whether full time, part time, or no employment) had no effect on children’s social-emotional development. There was also no evidence in the data of this study that mothers’ employment had any effect on the quality of bonding and the relationship between the mother and child (in technical terms: attachment).

Overall, what the results of this study suggests, is that mothers do not have to feel guilty about working outside the home during a child’s first year of life. The benefits of working (more financial stability, higher sensitivity to the needs of your child, access to higher quality childcare) generally outweigh potential risks. Therefore, children who have a working mother are generally just as well off as children who have a mother who is able to stay home full time. Unfortunately, this particular study did not provide any information about the role fathers played. However, there are several other studies that did look at the role fathers play in the development of their children.

In the whole discussion about the work-family balance, fathers are often ignored. For decades, research about parenting has focused almost exclusively on mothers. The role of fathers was assumed to be inferior or very similar to that of mothers. Over the past two decades, however, interest in the role of fathers has been increasing. There is now a growing body of research on the unique role fathers play in the lives and development of their children. Turns out, the role of fathers is pretty important, and just as important as the role of mothers.

Fathers have a unique influence on the development of their children that is different from the influence of mothers. While fathers respond just as sensitively to the needs of their children as mothers, the way fathers play and interact with their children is different from mothers. When fathers are actively involved with their children and play with them, this has beneficial effects for their children’s social skills. Children who have close and positive relationships with their fathers also have greater confidence and self-esteem and generally do better in school and on cognitive tests. If I go into more detail about research on the role of involved fathers in the development of their children, this blog would become way too long, but I promise more on this topic in the future.

Balancing the needs of work and family is a challenge that all parents face. Whatever situation is right for your family, whether both parents work, or one can stay home full time, it is important that both parents are actively involved with the care for their children.

• Lower your blood pressure
• Reduce your heart rate
• Increase blood flow
• Decrease muscle tension
• Improve concentration
• Reduce frustration
• Increase your confidence

Breathing Techniques

When using breathing techniques to relax, it is important that you always use “belly breathing.” That is, when you fill your lungs with air, be sure that you are filling your belly with air, rather than your chest. This allows for more natural and relaxing breathing. In order to be sure you are belly breathing, it may help to lie on your back and watch your stomach rise and fall as if you are filling a balloon in your belly. Also, if seated or standing, you may try putting your hands behind your head. This immobilizes your chest, which forces to you belly breathe. 4-7-8 is a simple breathing technique that can promote focus and relaxation. To use this technique, simply inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and then exhale your breath for 8 counts. Some individuals are uncomfortable holding their breath as in the 4-7-8 breathing technique. If this is the case for you, you may achieve the same effect by simply inhaling and exhaling slowly while focusing on your breath.

Progressive Relaxation

Progressive relaxation is a technique in which you flex and then relax each part of your body. For this exercise, lie on the floor and flex each part of your body from your feet upward, until you gradually reach your head and face. If you are sitting at a desk or in public, you may achieve similar results by completing this exercise with only your feet and legs.

Stretching

Taking a few minutes each day to stretch can also help to release bodily tension. Stretch your arms, legs, neck, and back gently and slowly. Be careful not to strain yourself or stretch too deeply for comfort.

Investing just a few minutes each day in one or more of these exercises can help fight stress, anxiety, and pain as well as increase your sense of well-being and confidence. I encourage you to begin your day with these exercises, or incorporate them into your nightly routine as you get ready to go to bed. Remember, each of these techniques can also be modified for use any time you need a moment of relaxation throughout your day.

For more information about using these techniques, please see my recent Squidoo post.

CNN posted an article written by the Mayo Clinic entitled “Herbal Supplements: What You Need to Know Before You Buy” that is a must-read. Also, Consumer Reports magazine published a cover story article in the September 2010 issue entitled “The 12 Most Dangerous Supplements,” and their list includes the following 12: aconite, bitter orange, chaparral, colloidal silver, coltsfoot, comfrey, country mallow, germanium, greater celandine, kava, lobelia, and yohimbe. You can read their article for greater detail, but avoid these 12 supplements!

Alarmingly, Consumer Reports also printed an article in their July 2010 issue in which they presented their findings that many popular protein supplement drinks contained contaminants that have toxic effects on the body. These contaminants include mercury, lead, arsenic, and cadmium. Yikes! I think I’ll get my protein from other sources, thank you!

A very fascinating documentary entitled Bigger, Stronger, Faster, which takes an honest but critical look at steroid and performance-enhancing drug use in America, depicts how easy it is to create and distribute supplements while making false claims about them (even showing how sellers can manipulate/doctor  ”before & after” images to portray “gains” made).

With supplements, the old adage that “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” really seems to hold true. I think we often waste our time, effort, and money trying to find shortcuts that will give us an edge in life. For the most part, I think we are better off focusing on the basics – eat a healthy, balanced diet, get plenty of sleep and exercise, and put time & effort toward developing and maintaining strong social relationships. True happiness won’t come in the form of a supplement. In fact, more harm than good can come from using them indiscriminately.