Archive for the ‘Happiness & Well-Being’ Category

3 Sep 2010 Social Communication Skills No Comments

Many children and teenagers (especially those on the Autism Spectrum) struggle to understand the implied rules necessary for navigating social interactions. Whereas most children learn these rules naturally by observing others, some may only be able to acquire these rules through direct instruction. If there are certain tasks that the child does not always complete successfully, such as ending conversations politely, parents can help by explaining exactly why the response was inappropriate and how the child can succeed in the future. Writing scripts for common social situations and role-playing correct use of social communication may be helpful for learning social rules. The following are tips for interacting in common social situations.

Starting a Conversation with Someone You Know

When you see someone for the first time during the day, ask: “How are you?”

Ask about the:

i. Past: “How was your ____?” (e.g. class, weekend)

ii. Present: “What are you ____?” (e.g. doing, eating, reading)

iii. Future: “What are you going to do ___?” (e.g. after school, this weekend)

iv. Person’s interests: “How is ___?” (e.g. baseball practice, the play, your new video game, your pet)

Ask (Who, What, When, Where, Why , or How) or Tell (I ___) about what they said (e.g. “Where are you going on vacation?” or “I have that video game too”)

Getting to Know Someone New

Start the conversation:

i. Ask about something you see or might have in common (e.g. “That looks like a good book. What’s it about?” or “How do you like this class?”)

ii. Introduce yourself (e.g. “Hi, my name is…”)

iii. Ask and tell about these categories to get to know them and discover what you have in common:

School: What classes do you take? How do you like that subject?

Interests: What do you do for fun? Do you like sports? What kind of music do you listen to? What TV shows do you watch?

Family: Do you have any brothers or sisters? Do you have any pets?

iv. Avoid sensitive topics

v. Don’t ask or tell about things that might upset the other person

vi. End the conversation

Explain why you need to go (e.g. “My Mom is picking me up so I need to leave”), and say, “It was nice to meet you!”

Knowing When to Stop Talking

Look for signs of interest in others as you speak (e.g. smiling, nodding)

If someone looks bored (e.g. yawning, backing away, loss of eye contact), ask if they want to hear more

If they do not want to hear more

i. Stop talking about the subject

AND

ii. Ask something about them

Role-playing appropriate conversations using these tips may be helpful. Regular practice of appropriate conversations could be incorporated into the daily routine, such as the drive home from school. Of course, be sure to always praise and encourage appropriate social communication!

The ApaCenter will soon be beginning two new therapy groups to help children and teens develop these and other social skills. For more information, I encourage you to visit www.apacenter.com/groups.

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Posted in Autism Spectrum Disorders, Parenting, Relationships

30 Aug 2010 Conflict Resolution Skills No Comments

Some children have difficulty resolving conflicts independently. These children could benefit from being taught the Situation-Options-Consequences-Choices-Strategies-Simulation (SOCCSS) strategy to help them understand social situations and develop problem-solving skills at school and home. A description of each step is below:

1.  SITUATION: After a social problem occurs, the child’s parents or teacher help him/her to identify the “who, what, when, where, and why” of the situation (i.e. Who was involved? What actually happened? When did it happen? Where did the problem occur? Why did it occur?). The child may need to be asked each of these questions at first, but the goal is that the child will eventually ask him/herself these questions independently.

2.  OPTIONS: The child and his/her parents or teacher brainstorm all of the options that the child could have chosen. The child should name all of the options that were considered, and his/her parents or teacher should listen to all of them without evaluating them. The child may need to be encouraged to identify multiple options.

3.  CONSEQUENCES: For each option that the child generates, a consequence for that behavior should be listed. Parents or teacher may ask the child, “So what would happen if you…?” If the child has difficulty naming the consequences of an option, role play or imagery strategies may help him/her to imagine the consequences.

4.  CHOICES: The child should prioritize his/her options. This can be done using a numerical list (e.g. rank order from 1-10) or a “yes/no” response. Then, the parents or teacher should ask the child which option the child would be able to do and which will most likely achieve the best outcomes.

5.  STRATEGIES: A plan should be developed so that the child can carry out the option if the situation occurs. Parents and teachers may collaborate with him/her on stages of the plan, but the child should generate the plan. This will help the child to feel responsible for his/her own decisions and the plan put in place.

6.  SIMULATION: The child’s parents or teacher can help him/her to practice his/her plan using imagery, talking with him/her about the plan, assisting him/her with writing down the plan, or role-playing the plan with him/her. Practice is very important, and should continue until the child feels confident in carrying out the plan on his/her own.

Remember to be patient with your child and flexible with this strategy. As your child learns to use this system independently, he or she may only need brief clues from you in order to complete each step. Then, your child may just need a listening ear as he or she works through the steps without guidance.

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Posted in Happiness & Well-Being, Parenting, Relationships

30 Aug 2010 Tips For Effective Discipline Strategies 2 Comments

The most important thing about discipline is having a solid foundation of a loving, positive relationship with your child (I will be posting a blog about that topic soon, also check this page).When your child is breaking a rule or is behaving in a way that is unacceptable, there are several strategies to effectively address this behavior in a positive way.

  • The first strategy is telling the child what you want her to do instead of telling her what you do not want her to do. Try to avoid using the word “don’t” when giving your child directions. For example you can tell your toddler to: “use gentle hands” instead of saying: “no hitting”, or “the rocks stay on the ground” instead of “don’t throw rocks”. It may be difficult at first, but once you are in the habit of telling your child what you want her to do, it will become second nature, and you will be able to continue doing this through adolescence.
  • When your child is engaging in an inappropriate behavior, another effective way to stop the behavior is to redirect the child to another, more appropriate behavior. Some children respond well when they are given two or three choices.
  • It is important to remember that when your child does make a more appropriate choice to specifically praise the more appropriate behavior.

In order for the boundaries to be clear, consequences have to follow unacceptable misbehavior (e.g. hitting or kicking someone, or destroying something on purpose, etc. or whatever you feel is unacceptable). One consequence that is often recommended to parents is the use of time-out. In order for time-out to be effective, it has to be implemented appropriately. I recommend using time-out sparingly, and only for the most unacceptable behaviors (for example, with my toddler I only use time-out when she becomes physically aggressive). If you give a child a time-out for every single misbehavior it will quickly lose its power, and your child will not have the opportunity to be redirected or make a more appropriate choice. There are several components to the effective implementation of time-out:

  1. Get at your child’s eye level, make eye contact and explain in a firm but calm voice why you are giving a time out.
  2. The rule of thumb for time-out length is one minute per year of the child’s age. Use a timer with an alarm (like the one on the microwave) to avoid arguing about when time-out is over.
  3. Avoid talking to, or making eye contact with your child during the time-out and keep your child away from sources of entertainment.
  4. If the child gets up in the middle of time out, direct the child back to the designated time-out spot and restart the clock.
  5. At the end of time-out explain to the child again why the time-out was given, and review the rule for acceptable behavior with the child.
  6. Have the child repair the damage, e.g., have the child “check in” with someone they hurt, or have the child clean up items they damaged.

Here is a video of Super Nanny to illustrate how to effectively implement these steps:

After a time-out or any other disciplinary action is given, it is essential to then restore the relationship with your child and start fresh. In an interview with Dad Labs, Dr. Brooks explained how to do just that.

Time out is just one discipline strategy, and just one example of a consequence you can give your child to show that a boundary has been crossed. As I mentioned before, pick your battles and carefully decide which behaviors warrant time-out, and when it is beneficial to use a different type of consequence. Time-outs work for many children but they do not work for all children. It is important to determine what works for your child.

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Posted in Parenting, Relationships

27 Aug 2010 Turning the Mind Into an Ally – Book Recommendation No Comments

This is a book about the “nuts and bolts” of meditation. Meditation has been a hot topic for the last decade or so in neuropsychological research. Scientific studies of the brains of experienced and novice meditators show that practicing meditation on a regular basis produces changes in the brain’s activity and even in the structure of the brain. Some of the findings of these studies include that meditation increases relaxation, attention, feelings of well-being, improves the functioning of the immune system, and decreases anxiety and stress.

Psychology is now increasingly using meditation as part of treatment programs. Examples of these treatment programs include Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and a program for relapse prevention of depression (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy or MBCT).

Meditation can be viewed as reprogramming the brain. This is also how Sakyong Mipham approaches meditation in his book “Turning the Mind Into an Ally“. Although he does not specifically mention the phrase “reprogramming the brain”, or talk about the brain explicitly, he is talking about taming the mind, as if the mind is a wild horse.

The idea behind taming the mind, is that the purpose of meditation is to make the mind useful. Very often the mind does not do what we want it to do. For example, when studying for a test it could be that the mind wanders off to other topics, that you find yourself procrastinating, or that it is just very hard to focus. If you train your mind with meditation, you train it to focus when you want it to. When you have a trained mind, it can be a very powerful tool. The really cool thing is that you don’t have to go on very long retreats or devote hours of your time every day to train your mind. Sakyong Mipham explains how practicing meditation consistently for ten or fifteen minutes every day can already be very helpful. This book is full of great practical tips on making meditation a part of your daily routine, and on how to deal with obstacles when it becomes difficult for you to meditate.

Although the author of this book is Buddhist, you don’t have to be a Buddhist to benefit from meditation, or from the insights into the meditation process that this book offers. In fact, the practice of meditation is much older than Buddhism. Human beings have practiced meditation for thousands of years because it works.

Below is a video of the author giving meditation instruction. Give it a try, and see for yourself what it is like!

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Posted in Book & Media Recommendations, Happiness & Well-Being, Happiness & Well-Being - Book & Media Recs, Mindfulness, Mindfulness - Book & Media Recs

23 Aug 2010 Working Moms and Involved Dads: What’s the Impact on Kids? No Comments

Balancing work and family is a challenge for all parents. Mothers often feel especially guilty about leaving their child in someone else’s care in order to provide income for the family. In the United States, 80% of mothers go back to work at some point during the child’s first year of life, and 75% of these mothers work full time. A study was recently published in the Monographs of the Society for Research and Development on the consequences of having a working mother for children’s development. The study used data from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development‘s  Study of Early Child Care. In this study, 1,364 children were followed from birth through first grade. Researchers looked at the effects of mothers’ employment during the first year of the children’s lives on the children’s cognitive and social-emotional development.

The results of the study indicate that overall, full time employment during the child’s first year of life does not affect children’s development when compared to the children of mothers who do not work, and part time employment even has some beneficial effects. Previous studies have indicated that when a mother works full time this is associated with their children having somewhat lower scores on tests that measure cognitive skills. However, this study shows that mothers’ employment is also associated with several positive things including: more financial stability, greater sensitivity of mothers when children are 4.5 years old, and higher quality childcare. These three factors are actually related to better cognitive development in children. Taken together it turns out that mothers’ full time employment has no effect on children’s cognitive development compared to mothers who are at home full time.

Whereas the effect of mothers’ full time work is neutral compared to mothers who do not work outside the home, the effect of part time work turns out to be positive. Mothers who work part time had greater sensitivity, and the home environment of families where the mother worked part time was rated more positively. Mothers’ employment (whether full time, part time, or no employment) had no effect on children’s social-emotional development. There was also no evidence in the data of this study that mothers’ employment had any effect on the quality of bonding and the relationship between the mother and child (in technical terms: attachment).

Overall, what the results of this study suggests, is that mothers do not have to feel guilty about working outside the home during a child’s first year of life. The benefits of working (more financial stability, higher sensitivity to the needs of your child, access to higher quality childcare) generally outweigh potential risks. Therefore, children who have a working mother are generally just as well off as children who have a mother who is able to stay home full time. Unfortunately, this particular study did not provide any information about the role fathers played. However, there are several other studies that did look at the role fathers play in the development of their children.

In the whole discussion about the work-family balance, fathers are often ignored. For decades, research about parenting has focused almost exclusively on mothers. The role of fathers was assumed to be inferior or very similar to that of mothers. Over the past two decades, however, interest in the role of fathers has been increasing. There is now a growing body of research on the unique role fathers play in the lives and development of their children. Turns out, the role of fathers is pretty important, and just as important as the role of mothers.

Fathers have a unique influence on the development of their children that is different from the influence of mothers. While fathers respond just as sensitively to the needs of their children as mothers, the way fathers play and interact with their children is different from mothers. When fathers are actively involved with their children and play with them, this has beneficial effects for their children’s social skills. Children who have close and positive relationships with their fathers also have greater confidence and self-esteem and generally do better in school and on cognitive tests. If I go into more detail about research on the role of involved fathers in the development of their children, this blog would become way too long, but I promise more on this topic in the future.

Balancing the needs of work and family is a challenge that all parents face. Whatever situation is right for your family, whether both parents work, or one can stay home full time, it is important that both parents are actively involved with the care for their children.

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Posted in Happiness & Well-Being, Parenting, Relationships

22 Aug 2010 Relaxation Techniques No Comments

Practicing a few simple relaxation techniques can help ease stress, anxiety, and even chronic pain. In our busy everyday lives, it may be difficult to make relaxation a priority; however, in just a few minutes, you can:

  • Lower your blood pressure
  • Reduce your heart rate
  • Increase blood flow
  • Decrease muscle tension
  • Improve concentration
  • Reduce frustration
  • Increase your confidence

Breathing Techniques

When using breathing techniques to relax, it is important that you always use “belly breathing.” That is, when you fill your lungs with air, be sure that you are filling your belly with air, rather than your chest. This allows for more natural and relaxing breathing. In order to be sure you are belly breathing, it may help to lie on your back and watch your stomach rise and fall as if you are filling a balloon in your belly. Also, if seated or standing, you may try putting your hands behind your head. This immobilizes your chest, which forces to you belly breathe. 4-7-8 is a simple breathing technique that can promote focus and relaxation. To use this technique, simply inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and then exhale your breath for 8 counts. Some individuals are uncomfortable holding their breath as in the 4-7-8 breathing technique. If this is the case for you, you may achieve the same effect by simply inhaling and exhaling slowly while focusing on your breath.

Progressive Relaxation

Progressive relaxation is a technique in which you flex and then relax each part of your body. For this exercise, lie on the floor and flex each part of your body from your feet upward, until you gradually reach your head and face. If you are sitting at a desk or in public, you may achieve similar results by completing this exercise with only your feet and legs.

Stretching

Taking a few minutes each day to stretch can also help to release bodily tension. Stretch your arms, legs, neck, and back gently and slowly. Be careful not to strain yourself or stretch too deeply for comfort.

Investing just a few minutes each day in one or more of these exercises can help fight stress, anxiety, and pain as well as increase your sense of well-being and confidence. I encourage you to begin your day with these exercises, or incorporate them into your nightly routine as you get ready to go to bed. Remember, each of these techniques can also be modified for use any time you need a moment of relaxation throughout your day.

For more information about using these techniques, please see my recent Squidoo post.

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Posted in Happiness & Well-Being

18 Aug 2010 Some Cautions Regarding Herbal Supplements No Comments

I’ve blogged about the use of herbal supplements previously. In a nutshell, there are some out there that truly do have health benefits, but it is difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. Since herbal supplements & vitamins are not regulated by the FDA, the manufacturers’ claims don’t have to be substantiated by rigourous research. So, there’s a lot of “snake oil” out there. Not only do many people waste their money on costly and unnecessary supplements, some of these can actually cause serious health problems.

CNN posted an article written by the Mayo Clinic entitled “Herbal Supplements: What You Need to Know Before You Buy” that is a must-read. Also, Consumer Reports magazine published a cover story article in the September 2010 issue entitled “The 12 Most Dangerous Supplements,” and their list includes the following 12: aconite, bitter orange, chaparral, colloidal silver, coltsfoot, comfrey, country mallow, germanium, greater celandine, kava, lobelia, and yohimbe. You can read their article for greater detail, but avoid these 12 supplements!

Alarmingly, Consumer Reports also printed an article in their July 2010 issue in which they presented their findings that many popular protein supplement drinks contained contaminants that have toxic effects on the body. These contaminants include mercury, lead, arsenic, and cadmium. Yikes! I think I’ll get my protein from other sources, thank you!

A very fascinating documentary entitled Bigger, Stronger, Faster, which takes an honest but critical look at steroid and performance-enhancing drug use in America, depicts how easy it is to create and distribute supplements while making false claims about them (even showing how sellers can manipulate/doctor  ”before & after” images to portray “gains” made).

With supplements, the old adage that “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” really seems to hold true. I think we often waste our time, effort, and money trying to find shortcuts that will give us an edge in life. For the most part, I think we are better off focusing on the basics – eat a healthy, balanced diet, get plenty of sleep and exercise, and put time & effort toward developing and maintaining strong social relationships. True happiness won’t come in the form of a supplement. In fact, more harm than good can come from using them indiscriminately.

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Posted in Happiness & Well-Being

17 Aug 2010 Helping Your Child Cope With Stress No Comments

Coping with Stress

Children often become angry or anxious when dealing with stress. The following strategies may help parents recognize the signs of distress and assist their children in managing feelings appropriately.

  1. Most children display some subtle warning signs when they become anxious or angry.  Such warning signs may include: tensing the muscles, reddening of the face, fidgeting or biting nails, grimacing, or changing tone of voice.  Becoming aware of these warning signs and attempting to intervene before the child becomes distressed may assist parents and teachers in dealing with children’s disruptive behaviors.
  2. When a child’s parents and teachers notice the warning signs described above, the following strategies may help:
    1. Establish a “home base”, a quiet place where the child can go to calm down in times of stress in order to avoid a meltdown.
    2. If you already feel a meltdown approaching, stand near the child, but not directly in front of him/her, as this may seem confrontational.
    3. Redirect the child’s attention away from the current task and attempt to engage him/her in an alternate activity.
    4. Acknowledge that the child is upset and that the situation is difficult.
    5. Deliver a clear statement of choices. Here is a 3-step approach for making requests:

1.    Give the child two clear choices with clear consequences. Order the choices so that the child hears the preferred choice last (e.g., “You can refuse to take your dishes to the sink and go to time-out or you can take your dishes to the sink now and not go to time-out”). Make sure, above all, that you can enforce any consequences that you present.

2.     If the child fails to comply in a reasonable amount of time to Step 1, state clearly and firmly what you want him/her to do. Include a time limit for compliance and specify a location if necessary. For example, a parent may tell the child, “I want you to go back to the table [location] now [time-frame] and carry your plate to the sink [requested behavior].”

3.     When the child makes the positive choice, pair verbal praise with a reinforcer (such as a hug, sticker, or high five) and congratulate him/her on making the right choice for him/herself. If the child still fails to comply with your request, enforce alternative consequences that you have selected in advance.

Of course, you can always feel free to mix and match these strategies as you feel comfortable. You may find that one or two of these simple adjustments is enough to ease your child’s stress and avoid a meltdown.

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Posted in Negative Moods & Emotions, Parenting

13 Aug 2010 The Survival of the Kindest 2 Comments

When I was training at the Austin Child Guidance Center last year, my supervisors shared with me an article from Science Daily called “Social Scientists Build Case for ‘Survival of the Kindest’”. Evolution theory poses that species survive and evolve through the process of natural selection. This has often been translated as the “survival of the fittest”: only the strongest, most well equipped individuals within a species survive, which makes a species evolve and adapt in better ways to its environment. Translated to human beings, conventional wisdom for a long time has been that “survival of the fittest” means that human beings have to be inherently selfish and competitive in order to survive. Based on a growing body of scientific evidence a group of scholars from the UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center and Oregon State University is calling this idea into question.

Human beings actually thrive on care, connection, and cooperation with one another. Empathy is hard-wired into our brain. People who have greater capacity for empathy experience lower stress levels and better health. This has to do with the hormone oxytocin, which is related to social interaction, nurturing, bonding, and romantic love. Researchers from UC Berkeley also found that people with greater empathy and generosity enjoy higher status and more cooperation from their peers, while people who act more selfishly have lower status and are even shunned by peers. Parents who raise their children to be “emotionally literate”, and cultivate kindness, generosity, and gratitude in their children, have children who are happier and more resilient.

Thus, a growing body of scientific evidence suggests that, as human beings, we function best when we are connected with others, and when we treat each other with kindness and compassion. This is not a new insight. In fact, kindness and compassion is the secret to happiness that is thousands of years old, and I recently wrote a more extensive page on this topic.

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Posted in Book & Media Recommendations, Brain & Neuroscience, Brain & Neuroscience - Book & Media Recs, Happiness & Well-Being, Happiness & Well-Being - Book & Media Recs, Relationships

11 Aug 2010 Internet-Depression Connection No Comments

I recently read a report published online August 2, 2010 in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine about a study that found that teenagers that spent more than five hours each day on the Internet were one and a half times as likely to develop depression. This study included teens ages 13-18 that did not have depression when the investigation began. Then, nine months later, those who had developed depression were most likely to be heavy Internet users. The authors suggest that these findings show that teens may develop depression as a result of excessive Internet use. Of course, as informed consumers of research, we should be cautious in interpreting these results. The fact that the teens that become depressed within nine months were most likely to be heavy Internet users does not necessary mean that heavy Internet use causes depression. It could be the case that, as teens become more depressed (from other causes), they began to use the Internet more frequently.

With that in mind, the authors describe some warning signs of excessive Internet use to watch for in teenagers.

“Some spend more than 10 hours a day, they are really problematic users and they show signs and symptoms of addictive behavior … browsing the Internet, playing games. They can’t get their minds off the Internet; they feel agitated if they don’t get back on after a short period of being away. They don’t want to see friends, don’t want to join family gatherings, don’t want to spend time with parents or siblings.” said Lawrence Lam, co-author of the study.

The reason excessive Internet use could be tied to depression is unclear, but it may be because teens tend to stay up late on the Internet instead of getting a good night’s sleep.

“People who spend so much time on the Internet will lose sleep and it is a very well established fact that the less one sleeps, the higher the chances of depression,” Lam said.

Other explanations for the Internet-depression connection could be related to the actual content and activities on the Internet. Naturally, if a teen is spending hours each day reading unsettling content or playing violent and unsettling games online, this could negatively impact his or her mental health.

If you or your child is showing signs of Internet addiction, it may be time to address the problem. This type of addiction can be treated with counseling in a manner similar to other addictions. Also, just like other addictions, there is a great potential for lifestyle change and mental health improvement once the addiction in managed.

Posted in Articles, Cyberpsychology - Technology and You, Negative Moods & Emotions

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